How is the good child syndrome associated to adult wellness?

What do you think comes to mind when you read the word 'good child syndrome'? It can be confusing to see the first half of the phrase as positive, but the latter half suggests it is problematic. As children grow up, parents and other caregivers label their actions and thought processes as good or bad. They set certain standards, and children are expected to continuously strive towards them.

Children who constantly live their lives in line with these standards may be experiencing good child syndrome. Unfortunately, this does not have a very positive influence while growing up. They become harsh on themselves, don't feel good enough, and end up becoming anxious adults.

As children, we are constantly striving to better for our parents. (Image via Pexels/ Pavel Danilyuk)

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What is the good child syndrome?

Good children can also be naughty. (Image via Freepik/ pch.vector)

What do you think makes a child 'good' and what other traits make them 'bad'? Your answers are likely to be defined by how you were seen as a child and the society you grew up in. Generally, good children display the traits of obedience, academic excellence, politeness, and industriousness. Bad children do everything opposite to this. This is what our society teaches us.

However, when we box children into compartments, they end up feeling that they deserve good things only when they meet certain standards. The pressure can have a significant impact on children's mental health. They end up following a pre-defined blueprint that leaves their individuality compromised.

While we want children to display positive traits, we often force them to not make mistakes. Over time, this may lead to a compromised sense of self, lack of confidence, and isolation from others.

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Is the good child syndrome associated with adult anxiety?

How does this syndrome affect us as adults? (Image via pexels/ Samson Katt)

Parents influence their children's mental health in many ways. Unfortunately, the good child syndrome can also follow you into adulthood. This is especially prevalent in the eldest child of the family since they are often asked to be the reflections and bearers of good behavior. They become righteous, sometimes rigid, and may also experience productivity anxiety.

As an adult, you may feel fulfilled only when you are able to meet certain standards. When this doesn't happen, you may end up internally punishing yourself ( by feeling miserable, guilty, and frustrated). This ends up becoming a vicious cycle. You strive towards becoming the best and when you reach that standard, it gets re-defined.

Society can't change overnight, but your standards and how you see yourself can change slowly and steadily. Try to see if these standards stem from your childhood and how they currently influence you. As a parent, it can be hard to read this and you are doing the best you can. However, being mindful about setting moralistic standards can protect your children from difficulties in adulthood.

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The good child syndrome is not an official diagnosis, but its recognition and awareness can help many children and adults. You and your children are not projects that need to be constantly worked on. You can take breaks, make mistakes, be naughty, and still not be a bad person.

To break from the shackles of good child syndrome, start with compassion and validation towards yourself. See how these standards impact you and if there is an alternative way of seeing yourself. It can be tough, but are you willing to see your authentic self?

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Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.

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