Alternative careers for footballers: Part 3

I never really expected that this series would be so much fun to write, and people keep giving me ideas, so here are another bunch of alternative careers, serious and not so serious.

Joey Barton: Criminal

This man has gone to prison, assaulted people and players as well, not to mention commit blatant fouls on the field. He is not worthy of boxing, which could be one choice. He is a dangerous guy bordering on psychotic, and needs immediate medical attention. He is not the only one in his family. He could start a Mafia if he wants, as his brother is serving for murder. He was born into a criminal family and seems to want to live up to his name! He is a hazardous person and frankly doesn’t deserve to play.

Fernando Torres: Tennis player

Because he dived all around the field, and never hits the net! This is inspired by Sportskeeda, where I saw a photograph. Then a guy who commented this on a previous article. So finally, Torres’ knack for NOT finding the net can be put to good use, as can his ‘athleticism’. Who know, Torres may be the next big thing! Novak Djokovic must feel so threatened by Torres. Well, Roger Federer won’t care much because he is the greatest in this generation, but Djokovic and Murray surely will not take this usurper lightly. Just give him a racquet and a tennis ball and he will do the rest. His blond hair may serve as a distraction too.

That said, he is another talented guy, and I hope he recovers his form. An in-form Torres is a treat to watch; its a pity he is in form just once or twice a year.

John Terry and Ryan Giggs: <censored>

You know it already, and it cannot be mentioned here publicly anyway, so that’s that. But it is due to their extramarital affairs, one with his teammate’s girlfriend and the other with his brother’s wife. ‘Ryan’ away from such ‘Terryble’ people. For your information, I’m not undermining their considerable football skills in any way. It’s just a pity they score so often everywhere but the football field; and they score not with their teammates, but….. well, you know it.

Rio Ferdinand: Lord Voldemort

With the Harry Potter craze, there will be a shortage of Lord Voldemorts in the world, and Ralph Fiennes cannot be everywhere. This responsibility can fall squarely on Lord Voldemort’s ‘Nosy’ twin brother, Rio Ferdinand. Ferdinand ‘nose’ he has only one thing Voldemort doesn’t. But that aside, they could just as well be twins! If you don’t believe me, Google “Rio Ferdinand Lord Voldemort”, and you will find the picture which shows that Rio could contribute towards the second-most successful film series based on fantasy! He could be the perfect Lord Voldemort also because he has the merciless, murderous attitude, and he can look plain deadly evil when he wants.

Arjen Robben: Insanely tough and brutal examiner/teacher.

Self explanatory. He used to be a die-hard fan of the Lord of The Rings (Rightfully; its an awesome movie. Watch it!), but he took Gandalf’s “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” advice a bit too seriously. So that being the base, and assuming he didn’t go into football, he would become a teacher who would be hated by all, because he would ensure, and frequently say to his students: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS.” And he would make sure that NOBODY passed. He is so feared, even time itself would be afraid to pass! P.S., he is not Gandalf himself because he doesn’t have the beard, or the hair, or the Glamdring, or the staff, or the die-hard courage to face the Balrog in Moria. Yeah, I am an LOTR fan too. All that said, I think he is a phenomenal player, who is certainly among the best. He just needs to be less selfish.

Baichung Bhutia: Sniper

I don’t know if you have seen him play, but I can say with every guarantee possible: Had he been born in say a country like Portugal, he would be playing alongside Cristiano Ronaldo. He is a fantastic player, and he has tremendous shooting skills. It’s only that he was in India, where talent doesn’t receive the nurture it deserves; and I still feel Baichung Bhutia never realized his full potential. He is God’s gift to Indian football. He didn’t have brilliant tricks, but he was very good with spot kicks and shots, which were really accurate. He has retired now, but I still think he deserves a mention. Not because he was extraordinary like the Ronaldos and Messis we see in Europe, but because, in silence, he showed us Indian fans that football has hope in this cricket-obsessed nation.

Iker Cassilas: Spiderman

You guessed it! He is absolutely amazing in goal, and I think he is the main reason Spain won the World Cup final as well as the Euro 2012, conceding just a single goal. He seems to have 8 arms, and the way he jumps about and saves goals is just fantastic. But in a lighter vein, I would like to see him climb buildings, fight the Green Goblin or defeat eight-armed monsters. Either way, he is a fantastic keeper for Spain as well as Real Madrid, and I think Mourinho is an idiot for benching him.

DISCLAIMER – This is a humour article, and should be taken in jest.