Bald XI of world football 2014

In an age when everything about the lifestyles of footballers is scrutinised, their hairstyles are inevitably a major point of concern. But what about the players who have little or no hair at all? Amidst the fancy mohawks and afros, some of the world’s top players go about their jobs with shiny heads, while many others have quickly receding hairlines. What you’re about to read is an effort to list football’s best bald players. It’s a team that was put together taking into consideration ‘the degree of baldness’ and of course the quality of the players. Only players who are currently active have been picked. And yes, the bulk of the team are on the wrong side of 30; but what it lacks in age, it makes up with experience – loads of it. Between them, the players have won almost all there is to win at club and national level. Presenting football’s bald XI.

#1 Tim Howard

In goal is Tim Howard, the custodian of Everton and the US national team. Howard has a superb beard to go with his bald head. He is one of many bald keepers who have come to England from the land of the bald eagle: Kasey Keller, Brad Friedel and Brad Guzan all have similar-looking heads and have all played in the Premier League. There’s no doubt that he is easily the pick of the bunch. The 35-year old New Jersey native has racked up over 300 appearances for Everton since moving there in 2006 after a relatively unhappy stay at Manchester United.

At international level, Howard was awarded the Golden Glove for the best keeper at the 2009 Confederations Cup while he also broke the record for most number of saves in a World Cup during this year’s event in Brazil.

#2 Pablo Armero

Not so famous before the World Cup ‘14, this Colombian defender suddenly found himself in the spotlight when he scored the first goal against Greece in their opening match of the tournament. What made Pablo Estifer Armero famous was not so much his goal but rather the way he celebrated it; he showed the world some slick dance moves, all well coordinated with his teammates.

After playing in the Colombian and Brazilian leagues, Armero made the move to Europe in 2010, when he signed for Serie A side Udinese. In his very first season itself, he made it to the Serie A Team of the Year. He then moved to Napoli, followed by a six-month loan spell at West Ham United, before re-signing for his old team Udinese. Currently, the Bald XI left-back is on loan at AC Milan, where he plays alongside fellow countryman Christian Zapata.

#3 Joao Miranda

The Bald XI’s first centre-back is Joao Miranda, more often referred to as simply Miranda. Currently considered one of the world’s best defenders, Miranda has had a successful time at Atletico Madrid, winning all possible domestic titles in Spain. He was also part of the teams that won the Europa League and the European Super Cup in 2012 and finished runners-up in last year’s Champions League.

Before arriving in Spain, Miranda was one of the most consistent players in the Brazilian Serie A, while playing for Sao Paolo. Apart from team honours that include three league titles, he was selected in the league Team of the Year four years in a row.

Miranda is not only known for his defensive skills, but also for his knack of scoring some important goals with that bald head. One of the most memorable ones came in the 2013 Copa Del Rey final, which gave Atletico a first win over city rivals Real since 1999. This season, Miranda has already scored thrice!

#4 Vincent Kompany

Partnering Miranda in the centre of the defence is the captain of Bald XI, Vincent Kompany. With great strength, brilliant positioning, inspirational leadership and an astute understanding of the game, ‘Vince the Prince’ has been a nightmare for forwards.Starting out at Anderlecht, Kompany had already raised many eyebrows with impressive displays. It led to a move to Hamburg in 2006, where his two-year stay was ruined by an injury. Cash-rich Manchester City came calling in 2008, signalling a new beginning for both club and player. Six years on, he is now a proper City legend, having led the team to all possible domestic titles. He was awarded the Premier League Player of the Season in 2012 and has made the PFA Team of the Year thrice.For all the success at club level, it’s been rather unfortunate for Kompany to miss out on major tournaments with his Belgium national team. He had to wait for a golden generation of talents to join him before they qualified for Brazil’ 14. He led the team to a quarter-final finish and will now look to build on that in the coming years.

#5 Maicon

The right-back spot in this team is filled by Maicon. Although sometimes considered rather too adventurous for a full-back, the bald Brazilian is quite capable with his defensive duties too.

Maicon was first signed by Brazilian side Cruzeiro, who promoted him from the youth team. He was part of the famous Cruzeiro team that won a triple crown in 2003, an achievement that helped raise the profile of the then 22-year old. Europe beckoned next and he moved, first to Monaco in 2004 before signing for Inter Milan in 2006.

At Inter, he would establish himself as a world-class full-back. After the highs of winning the treble with the Nerazzurri, Maicon suffered a downward curve in his career, struggling with bad form. A season in Manchester City didn’t help either; until he joined Roma, where he has been rejuvenated.

Maicon has tasted success at international level too, winning the Copa America twice. He has played at two World Cups, scoring a wonder-goal from a tight angle against North Korea in 2010.

#6 Esteban Cambiasso

Here’s a baldhead everyone should know. Esteban Matías Cambiasso Deleau is an important presence in the midfield of the Bald XI. An influential and tireless midfielder, the little bald Argentine also has a knack of scoring some great goals.

Cambiasso first attracted attention after good spells at Argentine giants Independiente and River Plate. He made the big move to Real Madrid in 2002, four years after leaving its youth team. However, despite playing well, he was shipped off to Inter Milan in 2004. Madrid’s loss would prove to be Inter’s gain as Cambiasso became a mainstay of a superb Inter team in a ten-year long stay, the highlight of which was undoubtedly the Treble in 2010.

With Argentina, Cambiasso won the World Youth Championship in 1997, scoring the opening goal in the final. At senior level, he appeared at the 2006 World Cup, where he finished off a 24-pass move with a goal against Serbia & Montenegro.

Now strutting his stuff with Leicester City, Cambiasso popped up to score an important goal against Manchester United last month. It seems he still has it, even at the age of 34.

#7 Nigel de Jong

Most football teams need a destroyer in the middle of the park, the Bald XI is no different. Doing that job for this team is Nigel de Jong. Nicknamed ‘The Terrier’ and ‘The Lawnmover’ for his aggressive style, de Jong has been an important member of all the teams he has played for, namely Ajax, Hamburg, Manchester City and, currently, AC Milan. The Netherlands national team has also benefitted from his services; the Oranje finished second and third in 2010 and 2014 respectively with him in the team.

De Jong’s way of breaking down opposition attacks is effective but not always appreciated by those who watch the game. There have been questions over his tackling, especially after he once broke Hatem Ben Arfa’s leg and then went on to land a shocking kung-fu kick on Xabi Alonso’s chest in the 2010 World Cup final. However, fact is that in his entire career, he has been red-carded only once. In any case, he remains one of the most intimadating players to face on the pitch.

#8 Yaya Toure

The engine of the Bald XI is none other than Yaya Toure, widely recognised as one of the best in the business. The 30-year old Ivorian is best used as a box-to-box midfielder, a role in which he thrives for Manchester City. He has also shown his versatility by doubling up as a centre-back while playing for the legendary Barcelona team of 2009. Gifted with exceptional defensive skills, superb dead ball abilities, visionary passing and fantastic shooting, Yaya Toure is the complete midfield package.

Yaya is one of Africa’s most decorated players with major silverware that include two La Liga titles, two Premier League titles and a UEFA Champions League winner's medal. At the individual level, he has been chosen as African Footballer of the Year thrice.

With his national team, Yaya has scored 17 goals in over 85 matches.The midfielder is the only player to have featured in all nine World Cup matches Les Elephants have played in their history. Yaya also helped the team to two runners-up finishes at the Africa Cup of Nations.

#9 Sofiane Feghouli

This is probably not a name you expected to read here, but looking at the career of Sofiane Feghouli, it is difficult not to consider him for this team. He has been compared to none other than Zinedine Zidane and why not – he is part-Algerian, bald and brilliant! At 24, the winger is the youngest player on this team.

Feghouli signed his first professional contract with then Ligue 2 side Grenoble, aged 16. After playing a major role in Grenoble’s promotion, he earned a move to Valencia in 2010. Since then, Feghouli has grown to become an influential member of Valencia’s starting XI, starring in Spain and Europe.

Despite playing for France at youth level, Feghouli’s Algerian roots led to a call-up from the Algerian national team. His first cap came agaisnt Gambia in February 2012, when he scored on debut. He contributed with three goals as Algeria qualified for the 2014 World Cup. He was easily one of Algeria’s top performers at the World Cup, scoring against Belgium and memorably playing on with a bandaged head in the crucial game against Russia.

#10 Arjen Robben

How can you think of the words ‘bald’ and ‘football’ and not be reminded of Arjen Robben? A guaranteed pick for the Bald XI, the 30-year old winger is the finest parable of old wine in modern day football; he just gets better and better with time. The sight of this rampaging bald headed guy on the wings is a treat for the eyes.

It is quite astounding to note that two of Europe’s biggest clubs, Chelsea and Real Madrid, let Robben go off their books before he was 26. Their loss turned into Bayern Munich’s gain as the bald Dutchman played a starring role to take them to three Champions League finals in four years. And although his international record may not have silverware to show, he has been a very important player for the Oranje. Who can forget Robben tearing apart defending champions Spain in that night in Salvador? The most absurd thing is that even at the age of 30, you sometimes get the feeling that the best is yet to come from Arjen Robben.

#11 Thierry Henry

I’m afraid I am ready to forego the considerations of age for sentimental reasons. The legend that is Thierry Henry has to be the striker in this team. He still had some hair when he played for Monaco or when being used (read wasted) as a winger in Juventus but it receded through his eight-year stay in North London, where he became Arsenal’s all-time record goalscorer. The Gunners’ fan favourite rose to become captain and led the team to a runners-up finish in the Champions League. He then had a trophy laden spell at Barcelona, before joining MLS side New York Red Bulls.

By the age of 23, he had won both the World Cup and the European Championships, finishing as his country’s top scorer at both tournaments. Although his France career came to a disappointing end in 2010, he is considered as one of the best players ever to play for Les Bleus.

Now aged 37, Henry is still scoring goals for fun across the Atlantic. In July, he also became the all-time assist leader for the Red Bulls providing three in a single match. What a legend.

#12 Pep Guardiola and the bench

In the dugout, we have Pep Guardiola managing this team and let’s face it – there’s no one better to fill this role. Yes, most of the competition for the post disappeared because of a matter of hair, but Guardiola remains one of football’s greatest ever managers, bald or not. Architect of the famous Barcelona team of 2008-2012, he is now trying to leave a similar, if not better, legacy at Bayern Munich.The substitutes:Pepe Reina, Andre Ayew, Ron Vlaar, Jeremy Mathieu, Michael Bradley, Maxi Pereira, Diego TardelliIf you know of other players who should have been on this list, feel free to comment.

Edited by Staff Editor