Satire: 5 things that can happen in cricket in 2016

Disclaimer: The sources and ‘reports’ in this article are about as much real as Suresh Raina’s nephew, but you would’ve realized that anyway, right?Now that the Yuletide spirit is about to fade away, let us all sit down and take a deep breath. The cricketing world has borne witness to much ugliness this year, which is somewhat natural given the kind of cricket teams play these days, and much more is yet to come in 2016.No, I won’t reminisce about the good old days although I do feel an irresistible urge to do so. Rather, I shall take it up as my solemn responsibility to caution you about the upcoming disasters that may shock you enough to spell your doom in the following year.So brace yourselves, soldiers, and read on.

#1 Bangladesh rising to No. 1 in ICC rankings

2015 has been great for Bangladesh and Bangladeshis around the world believe 2016 will be even better. They have managed to reach the quarter-final in the ICC World Cup in 2015 and they are certainly going to win the World T20 in India next year. And Mustafizur Rahman is going to break Shane Warne’s record of most wickets in a calendar in Tests, despite only playing 2 Tests, both of which were drawn due to rain.

The passionate nation is currently stationed at No. 7 in the ODI rankings with 97 ratings – 30 less than leaders Australia. What’s more is that even Pakistan are ranked below them despite having played 20 more matches than Bangladesh.

All that Bangladesh need in order to dethrone Australia are a few victories. With that goal in mind, the Board is expected to schedule tours for mighty teams like Kenya, UAE, Bermuda and Oman during the coming year.

Now that the ultimate Bangladeshi dream of ‘Joy Bangla’ resonating throughout the world is so close to being fulfilled, it would be a shame to lose it all.

#2 Chris Martin to be appointed as batting coach for West Indies

The recent drubbing at the hands of Australia in the Frank Worrell Trophy has been an eye-opener for the West Indies. Not that they had been unaware of their batting incompetence, but with Chris Gayle still in the team, er, country, one understands the complacency of Jason Holder’s men.

After succumbing to their second worst innings defeat against Australia, the WICB is now looking to get serious about cricket, though. Athletics can wait.

Statistics show that the difference in batting average between the two teams in the Hobart Test has been higher than even Ravindra Jadeja’s highest score in international cricket – 125.13.

That West Indies are in serious need of inspiration has been admitted by even the skipper. Of course, having a certain Viv Richards involved is no inspiration at all.

From the look of things, retired New Zealand No. 11 Chris Martin may just be the correct choice for the position of batting coach in the team. The 41-year-old had always loved wielding the willow and is a significant record-holder for the Kiwis in Tests. The new year should see him passing on his technical skills to the likes of Kraigg Brathwaite.

#3 Rainbow balls to be introduced in cricket

What do you get when you cross a red ball with a white? A pink one. Probably, that’s how someone came up with the idea of pink balls in Test cricket. Obviously, Cricket Australia chairman James Sutherland was as happy as Kookaburra regarding the ticket sales.

“If demand for tickets is any indication, it’s already a success, but let’s see how it goes.”

It is too polite to state that opinion is divided regarding the usage of the pink ball. Cricket boards around the world are on the verge of declaring war and guess which side BCCI is on? (Hint: refer to DRS)

Of course, Shashank Manohar has no time for this nonsense and has unofficially proposed the introduction of rainbow balls in cricket. The move is deemed to be a masterful one for it serves the dual purpose of keeping all the boards happy (Bangladesh had long been gunning for a green ball in keeping with their national flag) as well as upholding Rainbow Pride.

How the batsmen will be able to see the multi-colored sphere under lights is a question beyond the realm of logic. But then, Stuart Binny playing international cricket isn’t logical either, right?

#4 Salman Butt changing his surname to Khan and returning to cricket

In not-so-surprising developments, both Mohammad Hafeez and Azhar Ali have agreed to join the training camp after previously refusing to do so to protest the inclusion of Mohammad Amir who has returned after serving a five-year ban for spot-fixing.

If speculations are to be believed, it was the work of a certain Mickey Arthur whose expertise at handling argumentative schoolboys are widely recognized.

Amir’s tainted fellow spot-fixer Salman Butt who was involved in the same incident is reportedly furious over the course of events. According to close sources, Butt is looking forward to an international comeback next year by changing his surname to Khan. That way, not only can he hope to be cleared of charges but can also further penalties in future.

Even at 31, the left-handed batsman believes he has not lost his mojo and can deliver the goods once selected. During the domestic one-day Cup early this month, he was seen wearing “Being Human” T-shirts and is said to be very serious about it all.

#5 Manoj Tiwary turning up for Oman

For anybody who has followed Indian cricket in the last five years, Manoj Tiwary’s name rings more than a few bells, the first one among them being that he was benched for ages after scoring a century in ODIs. Yes, that’s how unfortunate this guy’s life has been.

In spite of his avalanche of failures, Rohit Sharma was persisted with and will be so for the near future. Youngsters like Manish Pandey are already making inroads and the selection committee doesn’t really look keen on venturing beyond the tried-and-tested lot anyway.

Also, one needs to be Harbhajan Singh to merit as many lifelines as he has received, and frankly, Tiwary isn’t.

No wonder, therefore, the 30-year-old is planning to rejuvenate his career by emigrating to Oman. A third of Oman’s T20 team that will take the field in the World T20 next year are Indians and Tiwary will certainly have ample company among Munis Ansari, Jatinder Singh, Rajesh Ranpura and Ajay Lalcheta.

According to sources close to him, the frustrated Bengal batsman has already completed paperwork and was looking forward to attaining Oman’s citizenship sometime in the next year, by when he will have left India for good.

Once that’s done, it is only a matter of time before he takes guard in the middle donning the famous red jersey.