10 managers and what they want from Santa Claus

Football management is hard work. Like Brendan Rodgers would say, it requires a lot of “character”. You win, the boys get the bouquets. You lose, you get the brickbats. And the boos. And backseat advice. And the sack. And the pressure can get to you, unless you’re as tough as a corkscrew, like this man was.But unlike this man, the managers today are mere mortals. So, let’s get rid of the “if only” train of thought. Well, it’s that time of the year again. When the joy of giving is in the air, and jingle bells are on the way. With Santa speeding down the aisle in his one horse open sleigh, the managers are ready with their checklists. After all, Christmas isn’t Christmas without the musings of Ebenezer Scrooge, the re-runs of It’s a Wonderful Life and the fables of Secret Santa Gifts. And them gaffers are no different. Here’s a peek into their very own Christmas wishlist.

#10 Louis Van Gaal - Goals, goals, goals

“You have the points. I have a philosophy”

Much like the troll with the wand in its nostril in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Manchester United is a drowsy, dizzy giant giving the impression of crashing down any moment. And much of this drowsiness and dizziness is down to Louis Van Gaal’s infamous and invisible “philosophy”, which has turned Old Trafford into Insomnia Cafe. With his arrogance, stubbornness and purported genius being repeatedly rendered ineffectual by weekly mediocrity, it is time for the United manager to wake (people) up.

Only two things can save Van Gaal’s face, and probably his United tenure now – winning the Premier League, which even Santa can’t assure, given how topsy turvy the season has been; or scoring goals. You can get away with playing Nick Powell and Guillermo Varela as long as you’re winning; you can get away with endless passes sideways and backwards as long as you’re scoring. Right now, United is doing neither. His has been a fail-o-sophy

#9 Claudio Ranieri - Another 40 points, maybe?

“Give me 40 points, and I’ll give you a pizza”

With an innocence that betrays his intelligence, and a rustic charm reminiscent of Peter Sellers in Being There, Claudio Ranieri’s has been the most heart warming story of the summer. Ridiculed upon arrival by pundits, and smirked upon endlessly by the pantomime villain of world football, Jose Mourinho, Ranieri and his Foxes have smiled their way to the top of the table.

With the man refusing to get carried away, insisting that 40 points and avoiding relegation is his aim, one can’t help but feel where another 40, which isn’t farfetched by any means, would take the Tinkerman. After all, it was only two seasons ago that City won the title with 86 points. With promises of pizzas for clean sheets, and recitals of Kipling’s If for inspiration, Ranieri is doing a Brian Clough of his own, and long may it last.

#8 Arsene Wenger - A CDM for f###\'s sake!

For someone who obsesses on how boiled the vegetables served to his players are, and is so analytical that Billy Beane, of Monyeball fame holds him up as his inspiration, Arsene Wenger can be incredibly naive at times. And nothing stands testament to this more than his failure of not being able to bring a semblance of solidity and steel to his midfield, let alone replace Patrick Vieira.

There is a difference between being smart and being stingy, and Le Professeur fails to realize this, in spite of repeated setbacks. With his January CDM signings of yesteryears including Abou Diaby – who could feature on all 177 episodes of House MD with different ailments – and Kim Kallstrom – why, why, why, why, why? – it is time for Wenger to sit up and plug the hole once and for all. And no, Mikel Arteta is not the solution, dammit.

#7 Jose Mourinho - ... never mind

It is indeed fair to say that but for a few blue eyed Chelsea fans, the whole world is laughing at the Jose Mourinho circus right now. The season has been a hellish version of Groundhog Day for the vain Portuguese, with repeated cycles of false dawns followed by desperate defeats followed by boring, public meltdowns. With Diego Costa busy throwing bibs and Eden Hazard flitting about determined to extend his drought, it was only a matter of time before Roman Abrahamovich dropped the guillotine – which he has.

In half a season, Jose Mourinho has hurtled his way from being The Special One to being The Specialist in Failure. Nothing, not even Santa, could save him.

#6 Jurgen Klopp - A half decent goalkeeper

A lot of things have gone right for Jurgen Klopp, since his arrival at Anfield. His charismatic first presser, and the drubbings of Chelsea, Manchester City and a hapless Southampton, have all helped raise his stock through the roof in Merseyside. However, the side seem increasingly vulnerable to set pieces, a perennial ailing since the departure of the old guard, and their custodians do nothing to inspire confidence.

Simon Mignolet would probably take 22 seconds to realize a dig aimed at him, while Adam Bogdan is still figuring out how he gets to play for Liverpool. In spite of all the myriad gesticulations, slaps, and fistpumps, Klopp must be alarmed seeing how leaky his goal is. And with the January window fast approaching, the time is ripe for a new Liverpool goalkeeper. The Normal One is in dire need of a Number One, and this may well be Klopp’s Christmas wish.

#5 Manuel Pellegrini - A fit Aguero

The wily old engineer, Manuel Pelligrini, looks tired and ragged these days, what with news of Pep Guardiola’s imminent arrival hovering over his head like a death sentence in waiting. The Chilean has done a fairly decent job however, with City topping their Champions League group and being well and truly in the title race. Nevertheless, the season has been stop-start in nature, especially in the attacking front, and Pellegrini must be pining for the return of Sergio Aguero.

A fit and firing Aguero is the grandest spectacle in the Premier League. Bar none. Yet, the Argentine frequently loses out to his eternal nemesis, injuries, leaving City in limbo, more often than not. Wilfried Bony and Kehechi Iheanacho don’t have half the aura combined, and this is hurting City going forward. Manuel Pellegrini may be Dead Man Walking, but he definitely needs his main man walking before long, to go out on a high.

#4 Laurent Blanc - The Ol\' Big Ears

19. Toulouse – 16 points. 2. Angers – 31 points. 1. Paris Saint-Germain – 48 points. The Ligue 1 is so pathetically easy and straightforward for PSG, that second placed Angers are closer to Toulouse, who are marooned in the relegation spot, than to them. Laurent Blanc’s expensively assembled squad need a colossal, Guy Ritchie style mess up to let go of their grip on the title now.

But, Ligue 1 has never been the priority for the powers that be. It has always been the Champions League. It has only been the Champions League. And a roster including the likes of Edinson Cavani, Angel Di Maria, Javier Pastore, Blaise Matuidi, Marco Verratti, Lucas Moura, Thiago Silva and David Luiz should be doing more than just make up the numbers. They should be challenging the big three of European football and coming out on top. Zlatan agrees.

#3 Luis Enrique - A pacifier for Pique

He has the best player in the world enjoying his football like never before. He has the most promising player in the world enjoying his football like never before. And he has the most polarizing player in the world enjoying his football like never before. In addition to all this, he has a treble in his trophy cabinet, and if all the omens are true, there is more to come. Realistically speaking, Luis Enrique should be gifting Santa, and not the other way round.

There are a few irksome itches, however. And chief among them is the tendency of Gerard Pique to rub people up the wrong way. While a lot of it has been made in good humour, some of Pique’s recent statements have reeked of spite, including his recent outburst against Alvaro Arbeloa. With the Euros on the horizon, you don’t want any more ill-will, Pique. And calling him to your room and giving him the sound, age-old advice of “shut up” won’t hurt you, Mr Enrique.

#2 Pep Guardiola - Possession... and more possession

Just like it was in Luis Enrique’s case, finding a gift that Pep Guardiola urgently needs, is tantamount to nitpicking. With the Bundesliga already in wraps, the Champions League title wouldn’t hurt, of course. But with Mr Blanc having called dibs for it already, there’s only one more gift that the balding Catalan craves – possession. Pep Guardiola is the Jordan Belfort of possession – good enough isn’t good enough, for him.

With Xabi Alonso alone seeing the ball almost as much as entire football teams, Bayern and their almost unfair monopoly on the ball is magical to watch. Yet, except for the odd occasion when you can see him open mouthed in an orgasmic delight (remember his expression after Lewandowski gave Wolfsburg the fiver?), the Spaniard seems continually dissatisfied. Just give him the ball and get it over with, Santa. You see the man’s pain.

#1 Rafa Benitez - Doesn\'t matter, he\'ll get sacked anyway

Rafa Benitez was destined for the white hankie Madridista treatment, right from the time of his acrimonious arrival. Add that to the mundane football his team plays, the 4-0 humiliation to Barcelona, a raft of disillusioned players, including Cristiano Ronaldo, and it’s easy to see why the stocky Spaniard’s first Christmas with Los Blancos is going to be his last.

Unlike Mourinho’s case however, Benitez hasn’t done too many things wrong. It is just that his club is run by a man whose scattergun, eccentric and trigger happy methods never cease to end. It is almost as if Albert Einstein said there’s no limit to the universe and human stupidity, specifically referring to Florentino Perez. It doesn’t matter, Santa. You may gift him the liga. You may gift him a Camp Nou thrashing. You may even gift him an encore of Istanbul. Perez wouldn’t give two hoots about it, anyway. Bah Humbug.

Edited by Staff Editor