[Humour] 8 things Zlatan Ibrahimovic would do if he was FIFA president

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is one of the most controversial players of all time. His brutal honesty would have been labeled as empty and braggart talks had he not backed them up.Be it asking Pep Guardiola to ***k himself, or reminding an opposition player of his obscure status, or asking a female journalist to come to his home with her sister to check whether he is gay or not…name any controversial thing and there is a good chance he must have done or said it.Earlier this season, he was so frustrated at a Ligue 1 referee that he went on a rant and claimed that France don’t deserve a team like PSG. He later apologized, but he surely didn’t mean it – the apology, that is.With Sepp Blatter announcing his resignation, what if the Swede becomes the president of FIFA? Here we try to imagine that awesome prospect and list out 8 changes that could take place if he does indeed become the president of FIFA.

#1 Change in football terms

There will be a lot of alteration when it comes to football terms. First of all, ‘football’ would become ‘Zlatball’. A goal would no longer be called by that name. Instead, it will become ‘Zlatan’ – so that the commentators can shout “ZLATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN” each time the ball finds its way into the back of the net.

Assist would become Zlassist. ‘The Ballon d’Or’ would become the ‘Zlatan d’Or’, ‘offside’ would be called ‘Inzaghi’, ‘Pep’ would replace ‘foul’ and, finally, FIFA would, inevitably, become FIZA.

Basically, almost everything in the game will have his name attached to it for it will then be pronounced many more times than it is now – and that would please Ibrahimovic more than a dog at the sight of a juicy bone.

#2 Pep Guardiola will be banned

Well, this is obvious. Pep Guardiola will be completely banned. He can neither coach any team nor have even a football-related poster in his home.

Pep Guardiola won’t be allowed within a three-mile radius of any football-related places. He won’t be allowed to watch football matches, nor will he be allowed to teach football to his kids. The only football he will be allowed to watch is Helenio Herrera’s Catenaccio and sophisticated Sam Allardyce’s long-ball beauty.

One thing he would fully be allowed to do would be to f*** himself – like the former Milan man once asked him to do. And only then will Ibrahimovic even consider allowing him back into the game. But that is not quite possible without the former Barcelona manager breaking his back.

#3 Suspensions/ fines replaced by Kungfu kicks

No longer will fines and suspensions be used as punishments once Zlatan Ibrahimovic takes the throne. That is too boring for him.

Once Zlatan is the president of FIZA, Kung Fu kicks will be used in order to punish players for breaching the rules of the game. Diving? Kick to the knees. Dangerous tackles? Kick to the skull. Deliberate handball? Kick to the shoulders. You probably have got it by now.

In a world where people are going backwards in terms of humanity and forwards in term of sophistication, this would be an excellent alternative that goes with the current trend of barbarism coated with technological innovation.

#4 Special benefits for Jose Mourinho

The one person who would highly benefit from Zlatan’s rise to the pinnacle is Jose Mourinho. The Portuguese shares a special relationship with the former Inter player and is one of the very few people that Ibra regards with respect.

The first benefit Mourinho will get is that even if his team loses a match, the number in his win column would increase. Also, the former Real Madrid manager can poke, kick, stab anyone he likes and won’t get punished for it.

Another special favour Jose would get is that he could say anything in press conferences and get away with it. This would be most useful for Mourinho since he is as good in the press room as he is in the dugout.

Finally, the team managed by Mourinho would have no FFP barriers – and so he’ll be given a free ride in the transfer market.

#5 Boring press-conferences will be banned

The media are known to ask very lame and stupid questions on a lot of occasions. In return, players also, almost always, give answers that make the environment as slumber-inducing as grandma’s lullabies.

However, with Ibrahimovic on board, boring and good-boy answers to questions from journalists won’t be allowed. Instead, cheeky answers coated with idiosyncrasy would be the order of the day.

Journo X: “Who do you think will win tomorrow’s game?”

Player X: “A football team, for sure.”

Journo Y: “How much difference do you think you can make?”

Player X: “Just about enough to increase the population of the world.”

Journo Z: “Do you have any message for the fans?”

Player X: “Yeah, stop reading sports newspapers.”

If a player fails to give interesting answers, he will be punished with the aforementioned Kungfu kicks.

#6 Champions League will be scrapped

This is one competition that Ibrahimovic hasn’t won despite playing in it for a decade now. While he has won league trophies in abundance, the Champions League has eluded him and he, in turn, will banish it from the world of football.

One thing we know about the former Barcelona man is that he hates things that avoid him. When Pep Guardiola totally isolated him, he was frustrated at the now Bayern boss’ lack of courage and claimed that he didn’t have balls.

Similarly, the Holy Grail of club football has ignored him for a long time now and the trophy isn’t important to him anymore. And if it isn’t important to Zlatan Ibrahimovic, then it is not important for anyone else in the world.

#7 Sweden will automatically qualify for the World Cup

A World Cup without Zlatan Ibrahimovic isn’t worth watching – that is according to the man himself. And hence, the PSG man will show his philanthropic and humble side via making the World Cup worth watching by changing the format to Sweden and 31 other teams.

This move is classified as philanthropic because it shows how much he cares for the people. Imagine the state of the people watching an Ibra-less World Cup – they would be more bored than the ones who have to listen to Xavi Hernandez talk on the principles of football, grass and mushrooms on a daily basis.

Here’s a fun fact: 1 in every 10 people in the world right now contemplate suicide at the thought of not seeing Zlatan Ibrahimovic play in a World Cup – and the former Juventus man doing that would just rub this stat off the face of the internet.

#8 Premier League\'s coefficient would drop

Ibrahimovic has played for some of the biggest teams in the world, ensuring his presence in the top leagues. However, the Premier League the most popular of them all has evaded him (or, he has evaded it) throughout his career and it seems like it will remain the same.

The one thing, the one question that is always raised tojudge an exceptional player playing outside England is, Can he do it on a cold, rainynight in Stoke? This is a question which is raised even whenLionel Messi is discussed.

If the player hasnt played in the Premier League, he is automatically second-rate and wouldnt get the attention he deserves. It wasnt until Zlatan scored four goals against England that he became something in the eyes of the arrogant English media. It was only then that they agreed to the fact that he is a great player.

And it is for this arrogance that the English Premier League will have to pay if Ibrahimovic becomes the president of FIFA. Zlatan will reduce the coefficient points of the Premier League and only two not four teams will be allowed in the Champions League.

The one good thing about this would be that the media would finally know where they and the Premier League belong. Right now, Premier League teams are not competent enough to play against the big European guns and they have been showing it time and time again. And Zlatan has seen enough.