Peter Hill-Wood: Hey Ivan, do you have today’s newspaper on you?
Ivan Gazidis: No, Mr. Hill-Wood, what about it?
PHW: I was only halfway through this article about this KGB double agent that…
IG: We talked about this Mr. Hill-Wood, no references to my previous employers.
Dick Law: Why am I negotiating transfers when we have KGB expertise on board?
PHW: You just negotiate the not so important ones. Shut up now, Dick.
DL: But, I did the Arteta deal. That was important, wasn’t it?
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IG: While you were working on correcting Moyes’ typos, I was smuggling our current No. 9 from France, under the noses of those idiots at Lille.
DL: You mean, Chu-Young Park?
IG: Shut up now, Dick.
PHW: Maybe if we smuggled Chu-Young Park back to Monaco, they’d give us our money back?
IG: They’d show you the ‘No Returns Accepted’ that they tattooed on his butt, and make more money off the photo that they’ll take of you adjusting your spectacles while squinting at his tattoo.
PHW: They did that?
DL: Yup. Squillacci has one too, except not on his butt.
PHW: And you knew about this, Dick?
DL: I never said that, Mr. Hill-Wood. Ivan, you were witness. I never said that. (begins to text Squillacci—“Hey, the weather is great in Italy. Have you gotten to practicing not clearing the ball to the opposition’s striker yet?”)
IG: Most of our signings come with those tattoos, Mr. Hill-Wood. That’s why we get them cheap.
PHW: Why didn’t we get Fabregas’ butt tattooed? We shouldn’t make the same mistake with Robin Van Persie.
IG: Feyenoord aren’t going buy to Robin Van Persie, Mr. Hill-Wood. Southampton might want Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain back though, if they get promoted and finish above us next season.
PHW: Make the call, Dick.
DL: I suggest the small of his back, sir. That’s a cute place for a tattoo. Take a look at mine (turns around and lifts up shirt)
PHW: No, thanks, Dick. Call a cheap tattoo parlor, I meant.
IG: Speaking of Robin Van Persie, my people haven’t been able to get him to sign a contract extension.
PHW: That’s bad news.
DL: Just learned that Chamberlain has a fear of needles.
PHW: (eyes Dick Law icily) So what are we going to do about this Van Persie situation?
IG: My people moved on to Plan B. We’ve kidnapped his son and are keeping him hostage in a mansion that we rented in the name of Garry Cook. That way if all goes belly up, Man City won’t get him either (eerily laughs)
DL: How about we kidnap everybody’s sons while we’re at it?
IG: We don’t want to extend Almunia’s contract, Dick.
DL: Song and Walcott?
IG: Yes, they are young players whose transfer value we want to protect. Extending their contracts would be wise.
PHW: Theo doesn’t have a dribble that would scare Djourou playing at fullback. Remind me why we want to extend his contract again?
IG: Because he’s young.
PHW: True, I almost questioned the club’s principles there. Thanks, Ivan.
DL: You actually did question the club’s principles there, Mr. Hill-Wood.
PHW: Shut up now, Dick.
Abou Diaby hobbles by on crutches
AB: Wasssup, homeboy?
PHW: Yo, hows it hanging bro? (turns to Ivan Gazidis) We’re working on his contract extension, right?
IG: (nods sagely) We gave him a big bonus to make sure we protect his transfer value.
PHW: Good work, Ivan. Don’t forget to reward yourself with a big bonus too.
