Munaf Patel's three step guide to corporate team-building

In an increasingly competitive global market, fostering team spirit in your business can mean the difference between failure and success. Here, leading camaraderie guru and international teapotter, Munaf Patel, gives you his three step guide to getting the best out of your workforce:

Munaf Patel: Humility is my watchword

1) Stay classy. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but wit doesn’t get you results so keep your criticisms of others irrational and utterly infantile. Slow-handclapping Ravindra in accounts because he’s only saved your company $2m when you could reasonably have expected him to save nothing will let other members of the team know you mean business.

2) Believe. Whether or not you’re the guy with the proven track record the youngsters look up to, you’re the guy with the proven track record the youngsters look up to. However much your productivity may have tailed off in the last few years, always remember that their youthful and currently vastly superior performances should always be taken as a sign you should regard them in the same way you would a child stirring their own faeces into a yogurt.

3) Never lead by example. On no account ever open any email that is addressed to you. Just hit ‘forward’ and let it whizz straight through your inbox to be picked up by someone else more unburdened by greatness. Also never back up any documents, whether they’re your own or other people’s. This is a sign of irresponsibility and weakness.

NB Munaf is currently in the UK and now quite possibly has a couple more booking windows available should you wish him to speak at your annual corporate aphorismfest.