Satire on Azerbaijan corruption scandal: Scientists baffled at lack of 'fast ones' being pulled at Olympics

Man’s fundamental understanding of the International Olympics Committee was today thrown into chaos with the news that only Azerbaijan had attempted to buy itself gold medals at the 2012 games. Although greeted with scepticism in some quarters, the team behind the finding maintain the unprecedented speed of corruption is genuine.

The discovery, which was revealed at the CERN plant in Switzerland, threatens to completely undermine the Athenian theory of moral relativity, which has held as the irrefutable basis for outcomes at world sport’s show piece event since 1905 and states that the rate of ‘fast ones’ being pulled should remain constant regardless of time or place.

Speaking whilst dabbing his brow and looking a bit flushed, Dr Stefan Cerceaux, the scientist heading up the research said: “We have no explanation for why so few fast ones have been recorded for the latest games. Everything we thought we knew about the modern Olympics has been based on the notion that any moving object’s path was predestined by a combination of chemical and financial factors that were utterly predictable. This unheralded speed is a bit frightening, to be honest.”

The news has caused acute embarrassment for the London 2012 delivery body, not least because the sum involved is believed to be just £6million, well below the threshold of what physicists had previously believed to be a viable peer-reviewed bung for a single Olympics. London Mayor, Boris Johnson, was quick to rubbish the revelations, however, essaying a hilariously bumbling jab-jab-hook-jab combo to reporters and warning those propagating the claims that he ‘stung like a piccaninny’.