An open letter to the AITA

To whomsoever it may concern

I, like the millions who watch, or rather are forced to watch Arnab and Rajdeep going bonkers, am a concerned citizen of the country and have the country foremost in my thoughts. Jai Hind and all that.

I have seen the volleys of accusations and counter-accusations that have been tossed up by the concerned parties and this is, to say the least, slicing this country into camps. We are forced to serve either the Leander or the Mahesh camp. Both of them are at fault. Since it’s the two of them, it is a double fault.

By virtue of the previous paragraph alone, you will indeed, by now, know that I am a fan with a deep knowledge of tennis. See how I cleverly used tennis terminology such as volley and serve in common, everyday English? No? OK. I will give you one more chance to go back and read it. Done? Good.

Now that my credentials have been established, I would like to put forward my candidature for the contingent that will represent India at the London Olympics.

For the record, I am open to playing with Leander, Mahesh, Rohan, Yuki, Vishnu, Som and also Sania. No problem. I can even play the doubles alone if you so wish. That way, we can send only one team. I am not averse to traveling alone. However, if Vijay Amritraj could act as my mentor, I would be much obliged. (This is only to do with the fact that I have always wanted to get passes for Wimbledon and I think this is the best way to go about it.)

Please do not, even for a second, think that I am doing it for selfish reasons. I am merely going to Wimbledon to do a little scouting for the Olympics are to be held in the vicinity. I am feeling the elements, so to speak and you can have my word that I only have the interests of the country at the forehand forefront. (See what I did there?)

I also promise that I will not release even one media statement. I will quietly go about my business, get the gold medal and then come back to a hero’s welcome. (By the way, any pointers to the actual agency that makes the medals for the Olympics would be most helpful.) I am also familiar with London since I have been there twice, and you can be rest assured that, in between two games, I shall not seek a ‘comfort break’ and quickly hop over to Madame Tussards to click a pic with Shah Rukh Khan. (If at all I do, it will be with Steven Spielberg or the Beatles or somebody who is not Indian, don’t worry. I digress.)

I bring to your notice, my most important qualification. I know how to play tennis! No, not on the Nintendo Wii (Well, I do know how to play on that as well but for the present, that is academic), but the real thing. I have been playing since I was 5 and I am almost 25 now. That is more than 20 years. Leander has been playing professional tennis for only that long and I believe that we are equally matched in that respect. Mahesh is beneath that and Yuki was not even born then.

I have an excellent forehand, an above average backhand and thunderous volleys. My service action has been likened to Stefan Edberg’s and I believe that someone, in my youth, once called me the next John McEnroe (given, that was the time I threw the racquet at the chair umpire because he had ruled a point against me. It really was in, man. Believe me. It was a hot day and there was, what is, in Physics, called a mirage. He got confused by that but I will let bygones be bygones).

With regards my achievements, I can proudly tell you that I have been inter-state champion in the Under 7 category when I was nine years old. It was an astonishing victory that was capped by a diving volley that Becker went on to mimic a few years before I made it. I even have the photograph but I do not want to send it for I am saving it for the rainy day when I will be hard up in life and will need to autograph it and sell it on e-bay for millions.

Also, I have won the inter-apartment block lawn tennis tournament that is held on the grass patch outside out Sreenivasa Apartment building sports complex. It was a hard-fought victory with me prevailing in straight sets against a 3 year old. I was only 15 at the time. I only bring this stupendous achievement to your notice for I want to show you my prowess on grass.

Hence, I request you to kindly consider my application for the Olympics of London 2012. I think that the nation needs athletes of my caliber and not quarreling ex-Grand slam champions. Also, if you decide to overlook me in spite of me being so eminently qualified, I think you are doing a grave harm to our country’s medal hopes in London.

Jai Hind. (Nice touch, eh?)

Sincerely,

Tennis Player

(Future Gold medalist, London 2012.)

P.S Please book a direct flight for me. I don’t enjoy flight-hopping. Asian vegetarian meals but non-veg also OK if it is only egg.