“I had all kinds of negative thoughts”— T.O.P reveals about the secluded life he lived after his drug scandal

BIGBANG's former member and now Squid Game 2's rising star, T.O.P opened up about the struggles he endured following his 2017 cannabis controversy. In a recent interview with MTN News on January 19, 2025, he shared deeply personal insights into the hardships he faced after being convicted of using cannabis, an illegal substance in South Korea.

The controversy began in June 2017 when T.O.P was charged with smoking cannabis on four occasions in October 2016 at his home. At the time, he was serving as a conscripted police officer during his mandatory military service, which amplified the severity of the case. Military personnel in South Korea are held to strict moral and legal standards, and his actions drew criticism from both the public and the media.

During the interview, he reflected on the emotional toll the incident had on him. He admitted to harboring negative thoughts during this period and revealed that he spent much of the past several years in isolation. In his own words,

"In the middle of the hard time, I had all kinds of negative thoughts. I once thought about extreme choices for a while. When I went to where there were people, everyone there seemed to be cursing me, so I was alone as much as possible.

Hence, his decision to take on the role of Thanos, a troubled, drug-addicted rapper in Squid Game 2, marked a turning point. The character, who mirrors some of T.O.P's own struggles, offered him a chance to confront his past and demonstrate his commitment to personal growth.

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T.O.P addresses personal struggles during the time he spent away from the public eye

Choi Seung-hyun, also known as T.O.P, recently opened up about the secluded life he led following his cannabis controversy, reflecting on the impact it had on him both personally and professionally. Speaking candidly about the period after the incident, he revealed that he spent nearly 7–8 years avoiding public interactions, confining himself to his home and music studio.

During this time, he distanced himself from people and public spaces, plagued by the fear that everyone was judging and criticizing him. This isolation pushed him into a dark mental space where he even contemplated extreme measures.

"It felt like everyone around me was talking about me, pointing fingers at me. So, I stayed away from others and tried to keep to myself as much as possible."

He revealed how music became his solace during this turbulent period. Immersing himself in creative pursuits, he found a way to channel his emotions and maintain a sense of purpose. He also explained, saying,

“While working in the studio, I made a promise to myself: one day, I would apologize properly to everyone I disappointed and share the music I created during this time as a form of redemption.”

Reflecting on his decision to block fans on social media during this period, T.O.P admitted it was a choice he deeply regrets. He said looking back, it was a rash decision that he now bitterly regrets. At the time, he couldn’t bear to see posts that mentioned BIGBANG and him together and that it felt like seeing photos of a family he can no longer face.

He expressed feeling that maybe leaving the group and distancing himself would prevent further harm to the team, but it turned out to be yet another mistake that hurt the fans and the members.

He also addressed his departure from BIGBANG, stating that his decision was motivated by guilt and a desire to avoid further tarnishing the group’s reputation. Despite this, T.O.P expressed deep admiration and support for his former bandmates, revealing that he recently watched their MAMA Awards 2024 performance of the three of them performing together and felt extremely proud.

As he has now re-entered the entertainment industry through Squid Game 2, T.O.P has emphasized his commitment to living an upright and responsible life.

“I know there are people who will never forgive me, and I understand that completely. I see this as a debt I must repay for the rest of my life. My goal now is to show a version of myself that is earnest, reliable, and accountable. I want to prove through my actions that I’ve truly changed.”

Through his honest reflections, T.O.P hopes to rebuild trust and demonstrate his growth as both an individual and an artist, taking small but determined steps toward redemption.