SATIRE: 5 Suggestions for new Olympic sports

DISCLAIMER: This article has been written for humour purposes and is not meant to offend anyone. Please read with a pinch of salt.

Who watches the Olympics anyway? No disrespect to the toiling athletes, but seriously, no one cares about the Olympics. Once in four years, we glance at the table to make sure that we are above Pakistan and that is enough for most Indians. India has no realistic chance of doing well in the Olympics, and frankly, shouldn’t really bother.

The Olympics represent nothing but a celebration of a bygone era of Western Elites dominating the world culture. Cricket, despite its reliance on specialized equipment, has found popularity in the Indian subcontinent and the IPL has ensured that the heart of the sport lies here. Naturally, it doesn’t make the cut for the Olympics. Hockey rules were changed to make the super expensive astro-turf compulsory, thus ending India’s domination of the sport. Just as India started winning things in wrestling, it too has been dropped. We get it IOC, very clever!

Not to worry; let the aristocrats stick to their hobbies such as fencing, horse-riding, call them ‘sports’, and pat themselves on the back for winning Olympic medals. In fact, here are 5 suggestions for new sports that will ensure western dominance over the Olympics.

1. Wine Tasting

” Yes dah-ling. This will keep most of those pesky Islamic nations out of contention. Cheers!”

The fine sport of wine tasting. Enjoyed as much as Equestrian sports by the elites, this will surely add to the Olympic ‘spirit’. Wine appreciation is an age-old tradition in Europe, and it’s only fair that they now win medals for it. Points could be awarded for guessing the age, make and so on. Also, the Switzerland-based IOC would be able to suggest some exquisite cheeses to accompany the fine wines.

Regions Naturally Excluded: All Islamic nations, except maybe Turkey, Africa and most of Asia

2. Fashion Designing

“This is my Gold Medal winning design – Minnie Mouse”

What better than fashion designing to exclude the ordinary folk? The first, and perhaps the only, requirement for competing in such a sport would be the possession of an exotic sounding French or Italian last name. A jewellery design by a “Fiore” or “De Jure” will surely beat anything created by someone named “Bandopadhyay” or “Chang”. Leading contenders for medals here would be, of course, Italy and France. However, any western country with people of French/Italian ancestry would be able to compete.

Regions Naturally Excluded: Asia, Africa, South America

3. Salsa/Ballroom Dancing

The most exciting sport EVER!

Salsa or even Ballroom dancing could be the Summer Olympic counterpart of figure skating. On the surface, it seems that the barrier to entry isn’t sufficiently high to be an Olympic sport, but the knowledge of proper dress sense and ballroom etiquette isn’t that easy to access in say, sub Saharan Africa. It will go a long way towards making the Olympics reach its ultimate goal of being an ‘invitation-only’ black tie event.

Notable Exclusions: Non-western countries

4. Formula 1 Racing

Not to worry, the driver is not Indian!. (Photo by Paul Gilham/Getty Images)

This is an easy one. The sport exists already and meets all the criteria for an Olympic sport. All you need to do is divide the drivers according to nationality and you are done. This would also satisfy the requirement for a racing sport in the event that cycling is dropped from the Olympics. Seemingly, now that its drug problems are out in the open and will probably be lessened, absolutely anyone without access to blood transfusions and an army of lawyers will be able to participate in cycling. Surely, we can’t have that!

Regions Naturally Excluded: Most except Europe

5. French Spelling Bee

“M-e-r-c-i? That’s not how you spell mercy!”

Because English is too pedestrian. Even the Chinese know it now! In order to prevent the nerdy Asians from dominating the Olympics, a French-based competition could be worth trying. The advantage here is that there seems no logical connection between the written and spoken word in French, so only the true snotty elite (even by France standards!) will be able to compete. Such a competition already exists and one can expect this to be an Olympic sport soon.

Notable Exclusions: The whole world – [France + Canada+ (snotty elite)]