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Yes! I did the math. Why? Because of today, snow buried my town like Triple H buries hot talent. Seriously, I haven't gone outside all day today because we've got over a foot of snow out there.
I don't know about you, but that makes me want to dig through the 317 people who have competed in the Royal Rumble match throughout history and run some statistics on them.
So what I did was, I copied and pasted every single Rumble match stat into Excel, sorted all of them by name, counted how many times they entered, combined all of their times using an online time calculator, and counted how many times their name appeared in the "eliminated by" column to determine how many folks they had thrown out.
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Now, I'm going to be completely upfront here and say that I am not sure how accurate some of these numbers are, but seeing how long this took me, I'd say it's pretty damned close.
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Anyway, using all that data I've compiled, I've made a list of the (statistically) worst Royal Rumble competitors ever. However, there are a few conditions - the first is that anyone who has won a Royal Rumble is automatically disqualified from contention. The second is that anyone who only entered one Royal Rumble is disqualified from contention. As an addendum to that condition, I also tried to minimize my selection of wrestlers who had been in only two Rumbles, as they would likely dominate this list if I didn't. Still, there were a couple of them that I had to select from this list, and you'll see why.
Now, two small disclaimers before I begin - just because they are on this list does not mean that I consider them a bad wrestler, nor does it mean that I dislike them. It simply means that they have not done well in Royal Rumbles throughout history. Finally, if you think I may have missed somebody, leave a comment below.
Alright, I won't bore you anymore... let's begin!
#12 Fandango
TOTAL ENTRIES: 2
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 0
CUMULATIVE TIME: 10:22
BEST TIME: 7:36
WORST TIME: 2:46
Fandango was eliminated from the 2014 Royal Rumble by El Torito. Allow me to repeat that once more - Fandango, the winner of Season Four of NXT and beat Chris Jericho clean at WrestleMania... was eliminated by a little man in a bull costume.
I feel as though I don't have to elaborate any further.
No, but seriously, Fandango has not had a good go in his first two Royal Rumbles. In his first Rumble, he was eliminated by El Torito in 2:46, and in his second he was thrown out by runner-up Rusev in 7:36. Both times, he didn't eliminate a single competitor in the match.
How grim for Fandango.
#11 The Miz
TOTAL ENTRIES: 10
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 3
CUMULATIVE TIME: 1:47:33
BEST TIME: 37:40
WORST TIME: 0:07
Let me ask you something - how can someone enter ten Royal Rumble matches and only eliminate three people? Follow up question - how can someone go over 37 minutes in the 2012 Rumble match and only eliminate two people at the beginning, then go over 32 minutes in the 2017 Rumble match and eliminate no one?
In his remaining eight Royal Rumble entries, Miz has exceeded 10 minutes twice. As for the other five Rumbles - Miz did not reach the 5-minute mark in any of them. In fact, he lasted less than 10 seconds in two of them (7 seconds in 2007, 9 seconds in 2010).
Also, if you recall me mentioning his two eliminations in 2012 (Alex Riley and R-Truth), you may notice that he has three...that's because he eliminated a distracted John Cena from the 2011 Royal Rumble. Sounds big, but here's the twist - he was the WWE Champion at the time, so he wasn't even in the match.
Oh, also he was eliminated by Hornswoggle in 2008. I rest my case.
#10 Santino Marella
TOTAL ENTRIES: 5
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 1
CUMULATIVE TIME: 16:29
BEST TIME: 12:54
WORST TIME: 0:01
Brace yourselves, because this is the last time you'll see a number other than zero in the "Total Eliminations" category.
I couldn't not put Santino here. Sure, he did have one elimination, but it was Ricardo Rodriguez in 2012, so it's nothing to write home about. And sure, he was runner-up in 2011, but it's only because he was hiding outside the ring while the main eventers fought in the ring. Sure, we all wanted to see Santino win, but nobody in their right mind thought it would actually happen (they re-did this spot much more effectively in 2015 with Rusev coming back in to fight Roman Reigns).
Look, the bottomline is this - other than his one 12+ minute performance in 2012, Santino Marella has never gone longer than 2-and-a-half minutes in any Rumble. In three of his five entries, he couldn't even crack a minute. In two of his five entries, he couldn't even get to half a minute. One of these five entries (specifically, his 2009 entry) saw him get eliminated faster than anyone has ever been eliminated before - in one literal second.
You can't exclude the guy who got eliminated faster than anyone ever has from this list. You just can't.
#9 Jack Swagger
TOTAL ENTRIES: 6
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 0
CUMULATIVE TIME: 39:58
BEST TIME: 12:49
WORST TIME: 0:14
Oh my, how far the mighty can fall.
By the time Jack Swagger entered his first Royal Rumble in 2010, he had already held the ECW Championship (which really didn't mean much by then, but I digress). Still, he just barely cracked the two-minute mark that year. The year after he won the World Heavyweight Championship (yes - that happened), he almost made it to 5 minutes before being eliminated by the much-smaller Rey Mysterio. Following three average Rumble times from 2013-2015, Swagger lasted a mere 14 seconds in the 2016 Royal Rumble, despite having earned his place in the match in a hard-fought tag team victory earlier in the night.
Which begs the question - why would you have two former World Heavyweight Champions, Jack Swagger and Mark Henry, win a qualifying match and call their victory a big deal, only to have them last 42 cumulative seconds in the match?
I get that they want to put over this narrative that, "oh, being in the Royal Rumble match is an honour!" Well, it's not an honour if you're only there to get fed to the Wyatts and Brock Lesnar.
Which reminds me - I'd like to see a serious Swagger vs Lesnar match some day. I think that would be good.
#8 The Warlord
TOTAL ENTRIES: 4
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 0
CUMULATIVE TIME: 11:36
BEST TIME: 8:16
WORST TIME: 0:02
The Warlord is a big, scary man. The Warlord was also used as a glorified prop in four different Royal Rumbles.
Surely, you all know how his first go went - in 1989, Warlord entered the ring, only to immediately be clotheslined out of it by Hulk Hogan. The next year, he lasted much longer before being eliminated by Andre the Giant. Still, it was only a little over eight minutes and it was clearly only to redeem himself after last years showing. The next two showings, he didn't even crack two minutes and was eliminated by Hulk Hogan (with help from Sid Justice in '92) both times.
This is kind of unfair to Warlord, considering the Royal Rumble match is made for hulking, 300+ pound behemoths like him. Sadly, this particular 300+ pound behemoth was only used to put over other 300+ pound behemoths (namely Hulk Hogan).
#7 The Hurricane
TOTAL ENTRIES: 4
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 0
CUMULATIVE TIME: 8:54
BEST TIME: 6:50
WORST TIME: 0:19
Despite being a superhero, The Hurricane's four Royal Rumble appearances were neither super nor heroic.
In his first Rumble, he famously attempted to fell both Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H in one swift motion...and it didn't work. The two men threw him out with no trouble. So he tried again in 2004, only to once again get overzealous and try to fight a much bigger, much stronger opponent in Matt Morgan.
Once again, it didn't work, at the Blueprint threw him out just 19 seconds after he came in. Then, in 2005, he had the unfortunate task of stepping into the ring with both Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit, who threw him out in a little over a minute. Finally, he shed the mask and cape and entered as himself (Gregory Helms) in 2007. He ended up putting on his best performance at 6:50, but he still was unable to eliminate anyone and, despite being the longest-reigning champion on the roster at the time, was easily eliminated by King Booker.
Perhaps it's somewhat symbolic that Helms did his best work when he decided to be himself. Still, he was mostly just comedy fodder every time he entered.
#6 Jeff Jarrett
TOTAL ENTRIES: 3
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 0
CUMULATIVE TIME: 6:03
BEST TIME: 3:39
WORST TIME: 1:05
Can I just preface this by saying that Jeff Jarrett is one of my least favourite wrestlers of all time? I mean, I know he's going through some stuff right now and I do wish him well, as no one deserves that...but I just want to say that I can't stand seeing his obnoxious, self-righteous mug on any wrestling program.
Can I say that? Okay, good.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the numbers - Double-J was less than successful in all three of his go's at the Royal Rumble match. In his first one, Randy Savage tossed him out with ease in just over a minute. Defeated, Jarrett took four years off of Rumble matches before finally giving it a second chance in 1998. Unfortunately for Jarrett, he made the bone-headed move of attacking a Hart before they were set to enter the match.
Seeing as the Harts have never taken too kindly to injustices, Jarrett got his completely destroyed once Owen was able to enter the match. This good ol' Oklahoma a** whuppin' (as J.R. might say) saw Jarrett get humiliated and thrown out of the match in just over a minute. To his credit, though, his third time was the charm - he went 3 whole minutes! Not just that...over three and a half minutes! Wow.
Though "J-E-double-F" talked a big game, he could never quite deliver when it came to the Royal Rumble.
#5 Scotty 2 Hotty
TOTAL ENTRIES: 4* (3 if you don't count when he never entered in 2005)
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 0
CUMULATIVE TIME: 4:24
BEST TIME: 2:36
WORST TIME: 0:46
Sure, Scotty 2 Hotty has had plenty of memorable Royal Rumble moments, but the numbers don't lie.
Scotty 2 Hotty started his Rumble career in 2000 when he ended up being one of Rikishi's many victims. The Big Kish managed to throw out both Grand Master Sexay and Scotty in one fell swoop, even though they had just finished dancing together. Because, you know - every man for himself or something.
The next year, Scotty was even less lucky, as he put on his worst performance in a Rumble match at just 46 seconds. And honestly, I think it would have been a lot less if Undertaker and Kane hadn't slammed him around like a ragdoll for several seconds. He put on his best performance in '02, lasting almost 3 minutes before being eliminated by DDP. Then, in 2005, the poor guy didn't even make it to the ring because an already-eliminated Muhammad Hassan took his frustrations out on him while he made his entrance.
Scotty 2 Hotty's Royal Rumble appearances are sadly memorable for all the wrong reasons.
#4 Zack Ryder
TOTAL ENTRIES: 4
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 3
CUMULATIVE TIME: 4:15
BEST TIME: 2:26
WORST TIME: 0:34
One time. Only one time did Zack Ryder go longer than one minute in a Royal Rumble match. That was in 2013. Every other year he's entered, he has gone just over a half a minute.
Of all the wrestlers who have ever entered the Rumble four or more times, Zack Ryder has the worst cumulative time. It's kind of sad that the Long Island Broski has only once cracked the one-minute mark in a Rumble, and even sadder when you consider that he never eliminated anyone despite the crowd's consistently positive reactions to him over the years.
Just to give a brief history lesson - he was one of CM Punk's victims during his famous "Sermon on the Mount" at the 2010 Royal Rumble, then he was once again fed to CM Punk (and Daniel Bryan) in 2011, and then he was fodder for Randy Orton in 2013 and for Bray Wyatt in 2015. He hasn't entered one since then.
I can kind of see why, given how his luck has been.
#3 Bushwhacker Luke
TOTAL ENTRIES: 3
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 0
CUMULATIVE TIME: 3:24
BEST TIME: 3:08
WORST TIME: 0:04
The Bushwhackers are a joke. They were never meant to be taken seriously, and they don't want to be taken seriously. So, in the Royal Rumble match, neither Bushwhacker Luke nor Bushwhacker Butch were taken seriously.
However, when I crunched the numbers, I realized how superlative Butch's performances were when compared with Luke's.
Let's look together - Butch went over 18 minutes in 1989 (yes - this is a fact). Luke only went a little over three that year, which sadly ended up being his best time. Butch then went over 10 minutes in 1991...how long did Luke go? Four seconds.
That's right, four measly seconds. He did manage to quadruple his performance the last time he entered through, going a whole 12 seconds in 1995. Butch was also eliminated in less than 30 seconds that year, but he still outlasted Luke, as he went 19 seconds. Oh, and neither man ever eliminated anyone.
Wish you could've used those swinging arms to toss a guy over the top rope.
#2 Bull Buchanan
TOTAL ENTRIES: 2
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 0
CUMULATIVE TIME: 2:32
BEST TIME: 2:08
WORST TIME: 0:24
I really tried to avoid putting people with only two Rumble entries on this list...but these next two list entries were so horrendous I just couldn't omit them.
For those of you that don't remember Bull Buchanan, he was just about as generic as a big man can be. He was 6'6" and 275 pounds, but he had nothing else going for him. Since he had nothing to better to do at the time, Bull became a part of the Right to Censor stable in 2000. They were annoying and really didn't do anything impressive, but they are fairly memorable nonetheless.
So anyway, Bull entered his first Rumble as a member of Right to Censor in 2001, barreling down to the ring in their signature white shirt, black tie, and black pants. Unfortunately for Bull, he entered to the Hardy Boyz, who had developed a strategy to eliminate anyone who came in so only they would remain. So, while he did put up a fight for a bit, he was eliminated by the Hardys in just over two minutes.
So he took three years to find himself before entering the 2003 Royal Rumble as John Cena's recently-estranged sidekick, B². While he ran down to the ring, he was clutching his arm in pain, giving no one any reason to think he would do even remotely well. And he didn't - Edge pushed him over the turnbuckle in just 24 seconds.
This would end up being the last time we'd ever see Bull wrestle on WWE TV. What a way to go out.
#1 Simon Dean
TOTAL ENTRIES: 2
TOTAL ELIMINATIONS: 0
CUMULATIVE TIME: 1:05
BEST TIME: 0:45
WORST TIME: 0:20
Like I said, I really, really tried not to put people who had only been in two Rumbles on this list. But...just look at this.
Now, according to my numbers, there are only two competitors to enter the Rumble more than once and never once crack a minute. Those two wrestlers are Chyna and Simon Dean. The difference, of course, is that Chyna managed to eliminate three wrestlers in her two Royal Rumble appearances - Owen Hart, Chris Jericho, and even the World's Strongest Man, Mark Henry.
But Simon? Simon was just pathetic. Twice.
When he entered his first Rumble in 2005, he spent the entire 90 seconds between his entry and the next doing callisthenics at ringside. When the next entrant (Shawn Michaels) came in, he stared Simon down, threw him in the ring, and kicked him right out of it in just 20 seconds. So, he took on a new approach in 2006 - he would ride to the ring on his Segway to conserve energy. To his credit, it did more-than-double his performance, but it didn't help him much, as Triple H and Rey Mysterio teamed up on and eliminated the obnoxious fitness guru in just 45 seconds.
I understand the need for comedy in the Royal Rumble. I mean, it can't be serious the whole time. But if you're going to enter the Royal Rumble match, you should treat it like what it is - an opportunity at a WrestleMania main event. Simon Dean clearly cared more about getting people on board with his "Simon System" than he did about main eventing WrestleMania.
For that reason, along with his miserable statistics, he is the worst Royal Rumble competitor of all time.
