We’ve waited long enough
Alright, I think it’s about time for CM Punk to make his inevitable return to the WWE, right? He was eliminated from MTV’s The Challenge before they got to the finale, his UFC dreams are looking limp since he lost his first match, he’s blocked every single person that uses Twitter...I didn’t read his run on Drax, but maybe that was a success? Regardless, he may not want to work for Vince McMahon again, but we want him to, and in the end, isn’t that what’s important? Probably not, but I’m not letting any more four-letter words go for free, so here are the best-case scenarios for CM Punk’s totally real and not-at-all-fake news return to The House That Triple H Rents.
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#1 Superhero/villain
Punk loves comic books. I know, it’s hard to believe that a dude with a Cobra Command logo tattooed on his body would be into kids’ stuff, but those are the times we live in. It’s also been long rumoured that CM Punk’s favourite wrestler of all time is The Hurricane, so it would make sense that he would return as a superhero/villain, dedicated to fighting the crimes levelled against the fans by the Raw is War Criminals. He could pretty much wear the same gear since wrestlers are basically dudes who dress up as superheroes and villains. But when he’s not in the ring, he could wear a Vancouver Canucks hat and a Limp Bizkit t-shirt, and no one would be the wiser! Oh, he could get a whole team of superheroes! He could get Kane to join; he’s already a monster with fire powers, so we'll call him The Human Match.
Alexa Bliss is basically Harley Quinn already. Sami Zayn would be perfect as an Underdog type character named Underdude. Sometimes they would do backstage segments where they talked to a “mysterious” figure in the shadows whose silhouette is all you can see, and he would nod knowingly and with a slow, raspy voice mutter “What is up with that?” They could call themselves The Just Us League (get it? Cause CM is super egotistical).
Also read: 5 WWE stars we want CM Punk to fight in MMA
#2 PC Monk
Monk’s are popular these days, thanks in part to Marvel’s Iron Fist on Netflix, and WWE sure does love to cash in on popular culture, so it would make perfect sense for Punk to return with the Impact Zone-ready name, PC Monk. He could say he learned the error of his ways and travelled to Tibet to learn how to be a better person but also gain fighting powers like Danny Rand.
His finisher would obviously be called The Vow Of Silence, which would just be a goofy-footed GTS. He could meditate with Aleister Black! It’d be funny, too, because monks don’t really care much about politics, and a white guy dressing up and talking like a monk might be considered cultural appropriation. That’s not PC, at all!
Also, who doesn’t want to see AJ Lee dressed as a nun?
#3 Immediate Oversaturation
You know how everyone complains that Roman Reigns is pushed down the fans’ throats and that’s why none of the internets like him? You know how, even to this day, crowds will chant “ CM PUNK!” even though nobody’s talking about him and he’s not there, and they’re not even in Chicago? I think a fun way to make fans look like blithering idiots would be to secretly re-sign Punk, and then the next time they’re in Chicago, have Roman come out and cut this promo:
“This is my yard, I’m the dog in this yard, it’s mine and only mine, and you can’t have it! And by the way, I may be a dog, but I’m also a human dog which means I have opposable thumbs, so I can work a pair of garden shears and a lawn mower because I like to keep my yard well groomed. And me, because I’m a dog. A dog who owns THIS yard like a man! Not the dumb UFC yard that is smelly and only smelly people go there.”
Punk’s music would hit, the crowd would erupt with one thousand million pops, and CM Punk would GTS Roman into retirement. Then, later that night he would get a Universal Championship match, win it, and then the next week win the Intercontinental Championship. The week after THAT, he would win the Raw Tag Team Championship by himself, at the same time winning the Raw Women’s Championship in a “Deed to Vince’s House On A Pole Match.”
At Summerslam, he would challenge Smackdown for all of THEIR belts and Tye Dillinger would be like “Bro, you’re not very good at...challenges.” and everyone would laugh, but then Punk would win all of their belts and also control of the company in a No DQ match. He would call himself "The King Of The Bruiserweights" and live on campus at Full Sail University.
Soon, all of the Network would just be CM Punk Collections and interviews and documentaries about his tattoos, and WWE TV programming would be Punk walking around backstage by himself until he found the ring, and then he’d sit in the middle of the ring and talk about how wrestling is stupid.
#4 A Return in a non-wrestling role
Do you think CM Punk likes to cook? I bet he does. He just seems like the kind of guy that would try to impress you by naming 3 different types of kale. In middle school, I had a class called Home Ec where they taught you how to sew, use band aids, clean clothes, and cook. One time the teacher taught us how to bake cinnamon buns, and they were so good!
My friend and I were like “yo, we could do this at home! Grab a copy of the recipe, and we’ll cook so many cinnamon buns this weekend that we’ll never go hungry again!” This was before girls were really on our social radar, so feeding ourselves was priority one.
Unfortunately, we forgot to grab the recipe from class, but we did our best to recreate what we thought was a perfectly edible baked good. We threw up for like twenty hours straight because we fumbled the ingredients and got too impatient to let them cook all the way through. Anyway, maybe Punk could work in catering.
#5 He Sixth Sensed us all
Sixth Sensing someone predates “ghosting” by about 15 years. They also don't mean the same thing but are often confused with one another due to them both having something to do with ghosts. Ghosting someone means you don’t like someone but instead of telling them that, you just cut off all communication, with no explanation. Sixth Sensing someone is where you hang out with someone all the time, often to the point of annoyance, but you’re actually dead. Think about it, what if Punk died and now he’s cursed to haunt WWE forever? It would explain the missing pages of the TV scripts because let’s face it, Creative needs an excuse other than someone thinking “Let’s do this thing that worked once, then gets less good every time we do it.” is a good idea. Maybe he’s the one causing all the injuries? Maybe HE’S the one attacking Enzo and Cass. It would explain why Baron Corbin, out of seemingly nowhere, almost broke his leg walking near Kalisto, that dude hates Indy wrestlers
Anyway, if the legend is true, he would have to right all the wrongs that were done to him during his living-body years, and according to Punk, that’s almost every single person in the WWE and also all the fans and probably me. That’s a lot of individuals. He’s gonna be around for a long time.
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