Ladies And Gentlemen...
Brock Lesnar isn’t the only Paul Heyman Guy, he’s just currently the only one on TV. Paul has managed a murders’ row of pro wrestlers, some of them pretty gosh darned famous. Not only is he the rudder of The Beast’s chaos, he was CM Punk’s right-hand man, an accomplice of The Big Show, and an early advocate for Steve Austin.
He introduced fans to Sabu (sort of) and built up Tazz and Rob Van Dam into the stars they became. But for all his successes, sometimes JUST being managed by the former Paul E. Dangerously wasn’t enough. Just ask Nathan Jones, Curtis Axel, and Heidenreich, to name a few. Even Cesaro’s short run as a Heyman Guy didn’t pan out, but that was due to really bad timing and oblivious booking.
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What about the guys that Paul saw the diamond inside before everyone else, that became huge stars under the tutelage of ‘The One Behind The One In 21-1’? What did they all have in common? Well, to be honest, they didn’t ALL share the same attributes. Some were skilled technicians in the ring but couldn’t talk on the mic very well, others were the opposite.
But there were a couple things that each one of them had. So let's not bother with those until later and check out some characteristics you need to start working on if you want The Mad Scientist to even CONSIDER representing you.
#1 Be really big
The Big Show and Brock are probably the best examples of a Paul Heyman Guy being one because of their gigantic size, although certainly not the only ones. Nathan Jones is a 7-foot tall ex-con from Australia but he wasn’t that hot in the ring and couldn’t handle the travel schedule of being a pro wrestler. Heidenreich was also a big dude that didn’t fair much better, although I personally liked his ‘ Disaterpiece’ poetry readings.
Even Matt Bloom, who seems like a very smart big guy, a veteran in the business, well rounded in the ring, couldn’t get over as A-Train with PH’s help (although it seems he couldn’t break through with any gimmick given to him). Even Ryback, the ‘Big Guy’, couldn’t find his footing. Big wrestlers also had the stigma, often for good reason, that they weren’t skilled on the mic, which made them perfect to team up with one of the greatest speakers of all time.
Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. Just ask CM Punk.
#2 Be Eloquent
Speaking of speaking, CM Punk was a master on the mic. He dropped arguably (I said ARGUABLY) the greatest promo in the history of the WWE. “The Pipebomb” promo ushered in the new era before we knew it was a new era. Some people don’t think too highly of his in-ring talent but Punk could put on a classic, Match Of The Year barnburners, fairly consistently, and he had an incredible run as THE Paul Heyman guy.
He was ‘The Voice Of The Voiceless’, and Paul was so good that he became His Voice. But CM wasn’t the only guy with the gift of gab. Heyman saw big things for Steve Austin early in his career, before he became Stone Cold. Stunning Steve was a solid promo on the mic if underwhelming in the ring, and due to a serious neck injury he became even less of a technician.
The Rattlesnake would later prove to be one of the greatest venom spitters in the world with his “3:16” promo and Paul saw this well before anyone else. Rick Rude and Kurt Angle could both cut great promos, too. Hell, even Big Show is an incredibly underrated actor. In the ring, I guess Knucklehead didn’t really catapult him to Hollywood stardom. We can’t all be The Miz.
#3 Be Really Good At Wrestling
You know who’s good at wrestling? Possibly the BEST at wrestling? Kurt Angle. Or Cesaro. I guess Cesaro never won an Olympic Gold Medal, but Angle has never turned into M. Bison from Street Fighter in front of millions of viewers, so let us call it a wash.
I said earlier you don’t have to be an incredible wrestler to be a Heyman Guy, but it helps. And while it’s been mentioned that CM Punk has his in-ring skill detractors (that’s silly, unwarranted backlash), the same can’t be said about Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin. They joined Kurt Angle in Team Angle and even earned the name “The World’s Greatest Tag Team” soon after. That’s not a disputable name. either. They were (hopefully still are) legit wrestlers.
Even Curtis Axel is hand picked by The Rock to train with him every time Dwayne returns to in-ring action. Much like big, imposing figures, ring technicians are often found to be short in supply of great promos. So they are also perfect counterparts to Paul’s sorcery of saying things.
#4 Be Unique
If you possess any of the skills or characteristics I’ve mentioned above, you too could be a Paul Heyman Guy. However, sometimes even excelling at all three of the above may not be enough. There are two other things you absolutely need to be. Unique is one of them. Think about it, is there anyone like Stone Cold Steve Austin or CM Punk? Will there ever be? No. The Answer is No.
From Rob Van Dam to Matt Morgan, you may not like them but they were unlike anyone else. Brock is the Mayor of Suplex City. He’s so special that he can turn a match where he does no more than 3 moves the entire time into must-see-TV. No one in existence has ever looked like or even wanted to look like, Bam Bam Bigelow.
The Big Show is inhumanly large, being billed early on in WCW as Andre the Giant’s son. Tazz was the ‘human suplex machine’. Kurt Angle is an Olympic gold medalist. Rob Van Dam will always be known for his innovative offence. Every single guy that Paul aligned himself with had something to them that no one else had, making them stick out in a sea of faceless jobbers.
#5 Be Entertaining
Now, don’t get me wrong. You can be unique but you can also be boring at the same time. Just because you’re a unique wrestler doesn’t mean I want to spend my precious time watching you. I have a Maximum Sweat Mankind figure that my friend Charlie Kasov got me for my 13th birthday that i want nothing to do with. I don’t want anything to do with Charlie anymore either, and it’s that “unique” abortion of a toy that did us in.
However, if you’re unique and entertaining then you definitely qualify as a Paul Heyman Guy. It’s the number one prerequisite. Hold a live crowd of thousands and millions of households in the palm of your sports entertainer hands, using any of the previously mentioned skills. Mic skills, pure wrestling skills, distinct look or whatever your specialty is.
If you can stand out as an entertainer in the ‘land of sports entertainment’, Paul probably already has your number. But, it’s not a guarantee (Hi, Ryback). It’s the only place to start, though.
