Whether you want to admit it or not, fashion is synonymous with pro wrestling for both the wrestlers and the fans. With the in-ring talent, it’s complicated. It’s maybe half of their whole identity and the first thing you (usually) inhale of them in your mind grapes. It can be as simple as classic black trunks like Ed “Strangler” Lewis and Stone Cold Steve Austin all the way to the incredibly intricate stylings of Finn Bálor or Disco Inferno.
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There are millions of different styles and combinations and moving parts that can make up the way a pro wrestler just looks, and in turn how we react to them at first sight. We, as die-hard fans with an out-of-step obsession with grabby/punchy/kicky sports, get t-shirts.
But honestly, T-shirts can be pretty sweet. And sure, while we get other trinkets like Cobra socks and Kevin Owens shorts and butt cereal, T-shirts are the primary vessel for fans to show the world they spend most of their time inside windowless rooms combing the internet for Mean Street Posse statistics. But not every shirt is a keeper. For every classic, there’s a Nasty Boys fumble. For every aesthetically superior design there’s a King Of Swing disgrace. But I’m here to help. I know classic. I know Aesthetics. I know T-shirts.
A top AEW star just called one of his colleagues 'spoiled' and 'narcissistic' HERE.
So here’s a selection of some of my favorites, and some straight up kings of ‘Wrong’ style.
The Vaudevillains: “Quite Manly”
Let’s start with a shirt worthy of the most elite knuckle sandwich artistes, Aiden English and Simon Gotch’s delightfully masculine top gear. For a shirt to be considered a success, the wrestler or team does not need to be one. It can be heel or face, black or colored, pictures or script, as long as it looks good.
The wrestlers represented could have a record of ZERO WINS and it could still be the dopest threads on your block. Although I can’t think of a wrestler with a shirt that has never won a match, but whatever. Hell, you don’t even have to like the team to looked dipped. Luckily I’m a fan of Gotch and English so this works for me two-fold.
Black base with a font straight out of McCabe And Mrs. Miller. Bellowing proudly a respectful acclamation of machismo. Robust courtesy. Dignified aggression. Chivalry.
Cracker Rating: 8 Oh Henry! Candy Bars
Becky Lynch: “Lass Kicker”
The Irish Firestarter has a simple yet effective design for what is easily the best-looking shirt from the Women’s division. Black base with Halloween Orange print, this shirt doesn’t say “flashy” as much as it says “gears?” Honestly, I’m not sure what the gears are supposed to represent. Maybe she fancies herself a small part of a larger machine? That seems like a weird stretch so let’s deduct a couple of points and move on to what really makes this shirt great: Puns. I’m a sucker for puns.
Some people find them to be low-brow humor but some people are wrong. Puns are delightful, especially when almost-kinda-swears are incorporated. Hehehehe...LASS kicker...outrageous!
Cracker Rating: 93% Of An Authentic Coat Of Dis-Arms
Side note: There’s an old unwritten rule about what to wear when going to a punk rock show, and it’s the only rule. ‘Do Not Wear a Shirt Of The Band You Are Going To See’. Other bands’ shirts are acceptable and even encouraged. Personally, to avoid any confusion I wear band shirts to wrestling shows and wrestling shirts to music performances.
A wrestling shirt at a wrestling show is totally fine as long as you don’t wear the shirt of anyone on the card. No matter how much I love this shirt you wouldn’t catch me dead at a Smackdown Live with it, but it would be my first choice for a Dead To Me basement show. Also, always wear white to a GWAR show.
AJ Styles: “P1”
AJ Styles has been ablaze since debuting on WWE television, but he’s been a worldwide name in the business for years. This shirt is classified as an “in the know” shirt because there is very little help in letting the not-wearer know what the wearer is wearing. There are literally two characters on the whole shirt – a “p” and a “1.” But we know what that single letter and the most ‘single’ number ever means when put together: The Phenomenal One. (Although it almost looks like “Pi” now that I think about it). With its dead cell silver stamp-like design on a black base, it looks amazing even if you don’t know how amazing the impetus of the shirt currently is.
That’s what can give a seemingly boring shirt the edge. The kind of shirt you’d wear to bring your best gal to Coney Island for a hot dog and boardwalk puke session after your second ride on The Cyclone. It’s intriguing and that can go a long way if you don’t get any vomit on the front. Or worse, the back. This isn’t the 80s and we don’t need removable splatter paint on our clothes.
Cracker Rating: 3.14159...
The Usos: Face Paint
Ok, look, I get what they were going for, but this is a terrible t-shirt. The base color is black, which is my preferred color despite being a fat sweaty guy that goes outside sometimes, so that’s fine, but everything else is either obnoxious or confusing. Pink and green go very well together and Orange and blue is a bonafide classic pairing, but all of them together? No way, Usos.
You start putting together more than 3 different colors and you’re just asking for a phone call from John Cena locked in his million dollar bathroom while freaking out about the “face paint that runs the place” or something. I don’t know. It’s too much. And their face paint should probably be retired now that Finn Bálor is bringing it.
But the colors aren’t even the main problem. What really ruins this shirt is the fact that apparently, The Uso Bros don’t know what sport they play professionally. “Play Hard In The Paint” isn’t a wrestling term, it’s a basketball term. It refers to the painted floor in front of the hoop where players get aggressively more pushy, historically. A wrestling mat doesn’t have paint unless someone just DDTed Goldust on it, and even then it’s a stretch.
Are they referring to their predilection to jumping like their basketball heroes? I hope not, they aren’t even the 9th and 10th best leaping guys in the company. The barely clear the ropes and I usually cringe from fear. And remember, just because I’m not a huge Uso fan that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t wear a shirt of theirs if it looked good on me. It’s just that this shirt wouldn’t look good on anybody.
Cracker Rating: 1/8th Of A Deflated Basketball
Shinsuke Nakamura: “Strong Style Has Arrived”
Well, this shirt got super popular, super quick. Did you see how many were in the crowd at NXT Takeover: Brooklyn 2? My sciencing added up to “almost everyone likes that shirt,” and with good reason. It’s a fly looking debut shirt. Nak has gotten over in a way I have never seen happen with the WWE Universe. He’s so bizarre and his wrestling style is not one that American audiences are usually so open to.
He dresses like Jackson, moves like Jagger and kicks like a Motley Crue hit. He’s assassin music in human form and I bet he buys his groceries at S-Mart.
What makes this particular shirt so strong is the base color. Blood Red with black and white lettering. It’s a declaration but also a hint at the same time. It tells you Shinsuke’s name, what he brings to the ring and if/when it happens/happened. But it doesn’t fully tell you the whole story – that he comes from a royal family of Japanese weirdos that use their strikes to remove your face from your face-holder.
This is subtlely suggested with a cute little crown on the sleeve. In my neverending quest to look like a tough guy, I bought the sleeveless version so I don’t get the cool little crown. So personally, I lose points, but the full shirt does not.
Cracker Rating: All Of Samoa Joe’s Jaw
