It’s a question that’s as old as time itself. One of the biggest pro wrestlers of all time, John Cena, is, without much of a doubt, a male dude. As opposed to a lady dude. But what if John Cena actually WAS a lady dude? How much different would his, or rather her, career be?
Let’s skip the boring hypotheticals and dumb jokes like “He would never have been a pro wrestler.” or “Stripper!!! Lol.” I have a degree in absurd sciences, so these types of hypotheses are of little interest to me. I don’t care about what fans would continue their support if he was a girl, and what fans would change their opinions on Cena.
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If you’re basing your opinion on gender, take off. No one has any use for you here.
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This isn’t just “Cena in a dress.” This is what the Universe(™) would look like, if the one and only, John Cena, was a girl. This is a semi-educated guess at what the differences, if any, would be in Cena’s career. This is an attempt to answer an incredibly important question.
This is an excuse to imagine what a female Cena’s voice would sound like without seeming like a weirdo.
Like Monster Island, it’s just a name
So, I’m gonna go ahead and say the new Cena’s name would not have been John. The Cena part, yeah, absolutely that stays. Why would it change? I’m not messing with his dad’s name. That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to figure out, scientifically, what John’s girly name would be.
So what’s the feminine version of the name “John?” Joan is the most correct answer, although it sounds like the way Alfonzo Arau from Romancing The Stone might say “John.” Then I remember he said “Joan” a lot during that movie, so maybe I’m just confused.
Also, his name was Juan in the movie, which is the Spanish version of John...anyway, I don’t care for the name Joan, so let’s skip it.
The other choices are Joanne, which just screams “not a pro wrestler,” so that's out. Janice, which reminds me too much of Chandler Bing’s girlfriend, so forget that. Or Jean, which is really just no fun for anyone.
Janet isn’t terrible, it conjures up images of Jackson’s badass Rhythm Nation period, which is a step up from Jean, at least. But my favourite is probably Jane. Similar to the Rhythm Nation imagery, Jane makes me think of G.I. Jane, the Demi Moore military movie.
How perfect is that for Girl Cena?!? And before you’re all “But Graham, the ‘Jane’ part in G.I. Jane is a play off of the ‘Joe’ part of G.I. Joe, not G.I. John!” answer me this: If they call unidentified male dead bodies John Doe, what do they call unidentified female dead bodies? BLAMMO! That’s what I thought.
Also, I’m the scientist, I could just call her Demi and be done with it. But I’ll play the game and we’ll call her Jane. It also rhymes with “pain” and that’s always good for promos.
Making her way to the ring....
What about in the ring? What changes are there in between bells when Female John Cena is wrestling in the Women’s Division?
For the last decade and more, Women have changed the way we traditionally view the entire division. They are on the same level as guys. Putting on classic matches with heart and soul, banging around in Hell in a Cell matches, flipping off the top rope and making grown men cry with joy. Hell, some of the women are better than the guys, flat out.
So let’s not waste time calculating the difference of strength and athleticism between men and women. It’s boring and regressive and stupid. Also, gonna stay away from “Girl John Cena” is the (insert female superstar’s name) of the Women’s division.”
She’s not gonna be Charlotte or Becky Lynch the same way they’re not the female John Cenas. Jane Cena is her own person and wrestler.
So with that line of thinking, Jane Cena would still definitely be a multi-time champion. She would have held the Diva’s Championship belt numerous times and she would have at least been in the mix for the return of the Women’s Championship.
She would overcome every odd imaginable, having access to an unlimited amount of Full Health and No Sell power-ups. If she ever got injured she’d be back 10 months before expected and win the Women’s belt in her first match back, only losing it when a scheduled movie shoot was approaching. I mean, She’s still a Cena.
Maybe when the Divas’ Revolution (now, thankfully, the referred to as the Women’s Revolution) was first starting, Jane Cena would have been the target of all the incoming talent, much like how in CMT, Cena is always telling the young up-and-comers that they need to go through him if they want to be the best.
Although, then the revolution probably would have ended up the same way as Nexus. In the Cena Male Timeline (CMT) he’s currently chasing down Ric Flair’s record of 16 world championships, so in the Cena Female Timeline (CFT) it makes sense that Jane would be feuding with Ric’s daughter, Charlotte.
The more I think about the idea of those matches, the more I wanna see them.
The Dating Game
What? You think just because we’re flipping his gender we’re gonna flip his sexual orientation, too? Mighty presumptuous of you. Nah, we may be pro wrestling fans, but we’re not ignorant jerks.
So, sure, Jane Cena might hook up with some of the male talent. Tyler Breeze is a fox, and Apollo Crews seems like the nicest guy in the world. Simon Gotch is quite the gentleman, and Dolph Ziggler certainly has the humour game on lock.
Perhaps Jane’s into a sophisticated principality, in which case Bobby Roode would be a great choice, looking particularly royal these days. Or maybe she’s into the dark, brooding, bad boy type. Look no further than the friendless, sleeveless, manwolf that is Baron Corbin. Although if that’s the case, let’s hope she doesn’t put too much stock into hairlines.
But maybe Jane’s into girls. Who are we to assume and judge? Maybe, just like John, she’d be making Nikki Bella sign 220-page contracts so they could date. Maybe she’s looking for a go-getter like Naomi, or Carmella. If she likes a sense of fear in her relationships, perhaps Asuka is the right partner. Maybe she just wants somebody to hug.
Maybe she’s attracted to all of the sexes, maybe none. Maybe it doesn’t matter. (hint: it doesn’t)
Rise above crappy outfits
John Cena is a fashion disaster. He dresses in the style of “Catastrofashion.” He’s like the Hindenburg of getting dressed. His colour schemes are loud and clunky, often neon-tinted, always way too bright. His sneakers are boring and he puts ZERO effort into his sock collection.
He wears entirely too many sweatbands on parts of his arms that most people don’t even have. He wears jorts. Honest to goodness, jorts!
Look, it may be a stereotype, but one would hope that a lady John Cena would have a better sense of material trends than our current basketball/hip-hop hybrid. Get some fleek or swag or whatever the kids are saying, in there, pick a strong colour combo, some sweet boots, better accessories, and a dope in-ring outfit.
The last thing we want is a sexy Jane Cena wearing CMT redneck pants and obnoxious t-shirts.
I guess we should change her logos and mottos and stuff. Like “Never Give Up” could be changed to “Always Look Good” and “The Face That Runs The Place” could be “The Makeup That Causes A Shake Up” or something equally stupid.
Since the WWE loves to lift stuff from pop culture, Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. t-shirts could be switched to Pain. Killer. Jane. As long as we all rise above Nate, we should be good. Nate is terrible.
With colour combos, I think a pastel blue/white or a purple/black base would look great. Anything but bright neon on clashing colours and cartoonish logos. She’s not artificially flavoured candy and this isn’t T.R.O.N.. Cena digs the military, so maybe just go with the G.I. Jane motif mentioned earlier.
If we have to stick with the denim, we could cut those shorts into Daisy Dukes. In fact, tie up a shirt above her belly button and go full Nidia and call it a day. I’m all for that, I miss Nidia.
If she wants to keep the sweatbands, maybe Bayley could give her some advice and suggestions. Or she could go straight to Sasha Banks to get some tips on the correct usage of bling. Perhaps, she can borrow some cool gloves and sunglasses from Emma, or take blacklight movement courses from Naomi.
And while they’re not technically wrestlers, I bet Lana and Renee Young would help her pick out some killer boots. She could borrow extensions from pretty much the entire division, so her hair will probably always look great.
Or just go full Supergirl, that’s probably the level of skill we’re working with, anyway, why not just lean into it?
A career outside of the ring
There’s no reason why Jane Cena couldn’t have the same career outside of wrestling. Hosting awards shows and reality competition shows, and even starring in the same movies, except maybe Trainwreck, but that’s strictly due to the corporeal aspects of a particular scene.
So instead of just saying The Marinette, 12 Rounds Of Cosmos, Mommy’s Home, or Sisters, or changing his character’s name to Samantha Cleary or Fred’s Mom, let’s think outside the box.
I guess the big difference at awards ceremonies would be time spent on the red carpet. E! Red Carpet press doesn’t really care what guys wear, but they are super serious about what women wear.
So I imagine Jane would have to spend a lot more time answering the question “Who are you wearing?” hopefully answering “This is a Lana original.” and not “This is a test pattern from Foley & Co.’s Boiler Room line”
No reason to take her off American Grit. In fact, the only thing missing from that show, aside from Grizzly bear ninja attacks, is a cute but rugged host. Grizzly bear ninjas are Grizzly bears that possess ninja-like skills. They’re often found in the forests of reality TV competition shows.
I know I basically said Jane Cena is Supergirl, but I’d rather she played other comic book superheroes and villains. She-Hulk would be perfect, just slather her body in green paint and we’re all set. Powergirl could work, too. In the next Batman series, she could play Poison Ivy, or we could have the first female Bane.
Maybe she plays Two-Face, with cameos from the Bella Twins as Sugar and Spice.
Cena has proved he has excellent comedic timing, so maybe the comedy route is a good direction. A remake of The Ladies Man (the superior Tim Meadows one, not the Jerry Lewis one) called The Mens Lady sounds right up my alley. I’m sure Jane and Paul Feig would get along great and provide us with many solid comedies. Maybe she can be in The Heat 2?
Oooooh, wait! I know! A remake of Brewster’s Millions, (the superior Richard Pryor one, not the Dennis O’Keefe one) where she has to spend 1 billion dollars in 30 days, gaining no assets, in order to get her aunt’s true inheritance of 400,000 billion dollars! I think that’s how inflation works.
Honestly, it’s not easy imagining John Cena as a lady, but it is fun and it would be super rad to see in real life. Anyway, have a stellar day, I have a script I have to go work on now...
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