Act III
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Kane’s a big fan of dragging people around and bumping their heads in the process, but also keeping them in big dog cages. This is where he’s recently stored Kira, and many other un-eyed victims.
Richie, who it turns out is Treasure Kid #1, is still alive though, and he’s just about to wiggle free when Kane bites his kneecaps off and makes sensible earmuffs out of them. I’m just kidding he ripped his eyes out.
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Drug Mule and Veggie are off doing a good sex, while Michael and Blondie continue to be on drugs in the slightly-less-haunting-but-definitely-filthier bar of The Overlook Hotel. Blondie, using dead Girl Chappie’s cellphone she stole earlier, calls her sister to gossip about drug parties, and the possibility of more drug parties to come.
While in the bathroom Kane gives Kira a dirty baptism that looked like it smelled like burnt piggy banks but is distracted by DM and Veggie’s sex stuff so he jumps through a mirror and gives chase.
He’s without hook, so this gives them time to not escape at all, because Kane can also just drop you out of a window and severely injure your arm. That’s what happened to Veggie while she and DM attempted to repel down 5 or 6 stories, and to honest, where they were escaping to looked exactly like where they were escaping from, so I’m not sure what the plan was.
Regardless, it didn’t work. Drug Mule (just found out his name is Russell) gets his eyes taken and Veggie gets eaten by stray dogs. Now there’s like three dogs.
Blondie and Michael are in the middle of Act 1 of a date rape, when Kane runs in and starts singing “EYE SCREAM! YOU SCREAM! WE ALL SCREAM FOR gimme your eyes, dudes” with his body language.
Everyone breaks into a spontaneous game of hide-and-seek and wouldn’cha know it? Stealing that cellphone came back to bite Blondie in the butt. It rings, Kane hears it and crams it down her gullet and possibly kills her.
The real mystery will be if Blondie accidently throat butt-dials someone, now that Girl Chappie is dead, who’s gonna pay that bill? I can’t imagine what neck roaming charges are these days, but I bet they were astronomical 10 years ago.
Since Kane has like 4 trip-wires he knows that Christine, Michael, and Treasure Kid #2 are all together and on the floor below him. They all have weapons now, two guns and a big metal pipe for Michael. They are so ready for Kane. Bring It.
They are easily defeated when Kane Kool-Aid Guys his way through the wall and beats TWO GUNS AND A GIANT PIPE with an axe. It’s a good axe, but come on! Oh, and I guess one of the guns was a stun gun and not a bullets gun, but still.
TK2 and Christine narrowly escape using a broken elevator and find Kane’s eye room. It’s filled with eyes, charts of eyes, books about eyes, an old jukebox that only plays songs with “Eye” or “Eyes” or “I” in the titles, things to put eyes into, and other eye-related contraptions.
They then find Kira in an adjacent room but can’t break her free from her cage, even though it looks like it’ was built out of chicken wire and soiled Fisher Price toys. Not even “built,” more like “leaned against each other.” So they bolt and Kane walks in and just kinda squat stares at Kira.
We get some flashbacks, but all I can gather from them is, because Lil’ Kane was touching himself and looking at old timey photos of Suicide Girls, he got locked in a cage with old timey photos of Suicide Girls and Lady Paul Bearer was SO NOT INTO ANY OF THAT even though it was her idea.
OH SNAP! I knew it! So while Kane was off killing TK2 the Old Lady Innkeeper shows up and it turns out she’s Lady Paul Bearer! Well, It was quite a mystery but I solved it. By continuing to watch the movie, against all my instincts. I’m a hero, some would say.
So LPB’s all “Why haven’t you killed everyone, yet? God said to!” and Kira’s like “Uh, that’s not how god works. I’m a Millennial! ” and Kane starts singing Peter’s Denial which I thought was a weird selection.
Kane finally realizes that his mom is kind of a bitch and kills her, but he’s still super into regular, non-familial murder, so he drags Kira to yet another location in the hotel. Michael finally wakes up from his drug nap to stop Kane from double chokeslamming Kira and Christine.
Everyone runs around some more, until the troubled kids manage to put a pipe through Kane’s eye and then he fell out a window and then died because they showed his heart stop. This is minutes after revealing that his brain was made of maggots so I’m just impressed he was able to use a pulling hook that well.
3 people survived the movie which is entirely too many people and a dog peed in an eye socket in the end. But I think the real moral of the story is that while religion can be a good thing, sometimes we have to fight literal demons in order to make it through this crazy world. Sometimes those demons are Kane, but Kane’s fighting his own personal demons, ya know?
A dumb waiter. It’s called a dumb waiter. Dammit, I can’t believe I forgot that.
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