No Mercy 2016: Hope and Reality

Smell the wrestling

The Miz (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler: Intercontinental Championship vs. Dolph’s Career

Hope

Is it me or does this feel like a rerun of Backlash? I’m starting to question the brand split.

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Regardless, this is probably the best thing going on Smackdown, and that’s including a lot of other really cool angles they’ve got swinging in Blue. Ziggler is getting crushed by The Miz and it’s only adding to his desperation flame. Desperation Flame is the name of my new mope-rock indie band. Called it!

Pretty stoked to see a couple Spirit Squaders show up on the go-home episode this week, though, but I’m probably in the minority. I hope Miz keeps the belt in the surprise match of the night. Who would have guessed The Miz would actually become must-see-TV?

Reality

Is Ziggler really gonna retire? I mean, we know retirement matches mean less than zero but is he leaving for a few months (days) so he can come back refreshed? Hopefully, heel? That wouldn’t be terrible and it means The Miz, the actual best heel in the world, continues the best Intercontinental Championship run in years. Miz, current IC Champion, future two-time WWE Champion.

Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt

Who will sing the final creepy lullaby?

Hope

The last time they gave this match a shot was a month ago at Backlash. Bray got the win! By Orton being unable to compete and Kane kicking Wyatt’s ass. So, that was dumb.

All I want is a decisive and brutal match, preferably a Wyatt win, with the return of the Gator Whisperer, Luke Harper. But I’ll take anything that’s an actually advertised match and not a “here’s a thing nobody asked for or wanted” match. That’s my least favourite gimmick match.

Reality

Here’s what I said the last time this was supposed to happen:

“Randy will get the win because he took a Brock Lesnar to the head and lost his big return match after being gone for so long. And because Bray doesn’t care, I'm starting not to, as well. Follow the detached buzzards?”

Here’s what I think now:

No idea. I do know that Bray’s “career” is in more peril than Dolph Ziggler’s at this show, and a loss may very well be when the lights go out. I hope not, but it doesn’t look good. And I’ve given up on Luke Harper ever returning.

Baron Corbin vs Jack Swagger

This Sunday! The first ever Auto Repair Shop On A Pole Match!

Hope

I don’t know. Honestly, I’m confused by this match because there is no story other than “two guys with nothing to do.” I guess I want to give it to Corbin ‘The Wolf Guy’ and build him up to be a legitimate threat to the WWE Championship like it seemed they were doing in the first place. Maybe he really is just a jerk, though.

Reality

Swagger wins because he’s a returning guy that gets pushed no matter what. Those pushes never pan out, but why go through all that “coming over from Raw” stuff and then bury it so quickly?

I assume they’ll give him one more shot but if we’re gonna take him seriously they need to give him a manager. Zeb was great, but I think he’s out, so maybe Naomi? Add a little charisma to the swagless Swagger.

Wait, no, have him form a stable with Breezango! They can give him a makeover and teach him about how other countries have people, too, even if they’re mostly Uggos.

Nikki Bella vs Carmella

“I wish you had a twin so I could beat you twice!” -Carmella, if she never watched WWE before her debut

Hope

I hope this goes to a draw. That’s very uncharacteristic of me but I really want this feud to build even more. I love that Nikki’s back like “I had serious neck surgery, and also I’m a face now. Check out my new show on E!” and Carmella just laughs and attacks her for being Nikki Bella.

I could watch these two escalate the whole thing into a Hell In A Cell and it still wouldn’t be enough. Enough will be when Brie shows up.

Reality

Nikki gets the win and they stop this feud way too early. Carmella is entertaining and driven, and she improves every time she’s allowed to, so now is about the time for WWE to pull the plug. Because while we can have nice things, we can only have one at a time.

Heath Slater & Rhyno(c) vs. The Usos: SmackDown Tag Team Championship

“If we lose, I still get to keep my crackers, though, right?” -Rhyno, knowing what’s important

Hope

Slater and Rhyno are the best together as Team OMG! (One Man Gore). Aerosol cheese-loving politician Rhyno and hapless trailer park dad Heath are the first Smackdown tag team champs and if it can’t be American Alpha, this is a great alternative.

The Usos don’t need the belts right now because their pivot toward the dark side is actually working and it’s the first time ever I’ve been excited to see Jimmy and Jey do anything. I want OMG to keep the belts for a year, while The Usos and Jason Jordan and Chad Gable unsuccessfully attempt to take the belts in an endless comedy of errors.

Also, more cheese and crackers.

Reality

The Usos are gonna get it, and whether I like it or not, it makes sense. American Alpha are the future and their first championship win should come at the destruction of the Terrible Twosos.

I don’t wanna see Slater and Rhyno get beat by a team I love, because I love them, too. But the payoff of AA beating the bad guys is worth it. So when The Usos pull the belts off the current champs I won’t be too upset, and honestly, these hastily slapped together tag teams never last very long, even if they’re really great.

Curt Hawkins vs ???

FACT: Curt Hawkins canhascheezburger

Hope

I hope this is one big swerve and this Chuck Norris rip off is never mentioned again. Hawkins comes out dressed like one of “The Birds Of War” from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Then ??? is actually named ??? and ??? wins and ??? revolutionises pro wrestling, and brings the world together as one.

Reality

It’s not a swerve and this is really happening.

Becky Lynch(c) vs. Alexa Bliss: Smackdown Women's Championship

Straight Fire vs Wild Ice

Hope

I don’t know if it’s shown through in my other babblings on this site, but I am a big fan of the Smackdown Women’s Division. It’s stacked, filled with potential, and everyone seems to have a role. You know, the opposite of Raw.

I am also a HUGE fan of Alexa Bliss. She can tell stories with her eyes for days, and she’s rapidly becoming the 3rd best wrestler in her division.

I want to see a cosplay Harley Quinn shooting death stares at everyone from behind her novelty-sized accessory more than I want to see Becky Lynch continue to look unfulfilled even as champion because all her friends are on Raw.

Reality

Becky retains. And I’ll be OK with that if it plays out like this: Continue to build Rocky BalBecky as THE champ. Unstoppable. Bounce everyone in the division off her, while at the same time reintroducing their characters and fleshing them out more.

If they can’t beat Becky, at least the fans will learn more about them as individuals. If it’s not their turn to run head first into the Fire Lass they can have side feuds like Nikki and Carmella. Everybody wins and grows and Smackdown continues to school Raw and Tuesdays MEAN something again.

...and then Asuka shows up and murder-death-kicks the whole company and wins all the belts on both rosters. And then Tuesdays mean EVERYTHING.

AJ Styles(c) vs. Dean Ambrose vs. John Cena: WWE World Championship

AJ Styles, highly amused

Hope

I am in full AJ Styles-loving mode, and I’m actually really into Old Man John’s goal-oriented return. But forget all that, I want Ambrose to steal this and prove he’s a legit thorn in everybody’s side.

His first run with the belt was underwhelming, especially for a guy whose basket I put the majority of my eggs in to. Taking the belt back from two of the biggest names on the planet would not only get his credibility swole again, it would keep more than two people at the top of the card.

I’m not interested in AJ/Cena becoming the new Orton/Cena, but I’d be totally cool with these three smashing heads for months to come. Dean gets it, but to do so he will have to pull out his best performance since his Shield days.

Reality

AJ keeps it, because that’s safe. They’re gonna AT LEAST have Cena tie Flair’s record at some point, but I would assume at a bigger show than No Mercy (said in a seductive French accent).

And WWE’s predilection for losing faith in a wrestler the moment they don’t sell 400 million merch units spells doom for Ambrose. He very well may be headed backwards to feud with Curt “Fork The Facts” Hawkins.

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