Smarky Re-Cap: WWE Raw (2/25/12)

We start off Raw with a crutch-bound Vince McMahon slowly limping his way to the ring. I’m not sure how he’s supposed to fight Heyman tonight when’s he’s a cripple (in reality and kayfabery), but I’m sure he’s just gonna feed Heyman to someone else. Maybe Triple H. That would be cool. Vince brings out the “Ultimate Fighter” Paul Heyman, who comes out in a track suit. I understand that John Laurinaitis set the bar pretty high for non-wrestler ring gear last year, but c’mon Paul, your outfit is pretty uninspired. In the midst of a rousing speech from Paul, he tackles Vince McMahon down and starts to beat him with his own crutch. Vince McMahon, who apparently doesn’t need crutches anymore, grabs the crutch from Heyman and starts to wail on Paulrus. Lesnar’s music hits and he makes his way to the ring. Just as he stares down Mr. McMahon, the extremely unexpected shocker that is Triple H’s music hits and the newly shirt-haired Game makes his way down to the ring in jeans. When the Game is wearing denim, you know he means business. I’m not too excited for HHH vs. Brock II, since their SummerSlam match was very underwhelming, but hopefully they can make up for it by having the great match they are capable of having at WrestleMania 29.

Triple H is just not as intimidating without the ponytail.

Triple H comes down and pretty much decimates Brock Lesnar, even going so far as to bust Lesnar’s head open. The blood was pretty cringe worthy. Probably the most blood I’ve seen in a while. Well, on non-edited TV that is. Cody Rhodes’s head getting cracked open by the ring bell was pretty bloody. Brock ends up picking HHH and tossing him onto the table, which doesn’t break. These tables just don’t want to break anymore. Lesnar throws HHH back in the ring, but Hunter catches Lesnar with a vintage spinebuster. Lesnar rolls out of the ring, battered and bloodied, with a smile on his face. After that, I’m actually kind of looking forward to the rematch. Maybe it’s the WrestleMania season getting to me, or maybe it’s because it’s totally going to be a no DQ match. Probably both. Triple H and Lesnar would tear it up in a no DQ match. We cut from that fantastic opening segment to the backstage area, where Ryback is on his way to the ring to face the Money In The Bank holder, Dolph Ziggler. Or I as I like to call him, “That really impressive jobber with a briefcase”. I still have hope for Ziggler’s eventual title run. Bryan looked like crap too when he had the briefcase, and his title run was epic.

Keep the faith, Ziggler fans. Keep the faith.

Seeing as there seems to be some sort of losing angle going on with Ryback, I feel like Ziggler might actually win tonight. Hopefully, this storyline (or at least I think its a storyline) will lead to a Ryback heel turn. I think Ryback could be way stronger as a character if he was a heel. Just imagine that thing just decimating everything in it’s path with no remorse. Actually, now that I think about it, Ryback already decimates everything in his path with no remorse. Why is he a good guy again? We already have Sheamus, we don’t need another douchy “face”. We come back from the break to start the match.

Ryback goes to grapple Ziggler, but Ziggler ducks underneath and starts to do a Flair-like strut. Why didn’t Fair give Ziggler the Figure Four? Not knocking on the Miz, but Ziggler is so much more Flair-like. Although, I guess he would’ve had to turn face for that. Can’t have that. Some Goldberg chants ring through the arena as Ryback does his schtick. I know it’s fun to poke fun at big guys like Ryback, but honestly, he’s nothing like Goldberg. Just because you go on a winning streak doesn’t mean you’re Goldberg. Just because you are strong doesn’t mean you are Goldberg. Just because you are bald doesn’t mean you are Goldberg. Ryback is a completely different entity than Goldberg, whether you want to admit it or not. I would even go as far as saying that Ryback is better in the ring than Goldberg. Ziggler slaps on a Sleeper Hold in the match, which is a move I think Ziggler must just stop using. I don’t think anyone has ever tapped out to it. At least not in 2012 or 2013. After Ryback reverses the Sleeper Hold into a nice Backback Stunner (which would be a way better finisher than his stupid Samoan Drop thing), he hits him with the Shell Shocked for the win. I think it would have been better if Ryback lost. It would give Ziggler some momentum and Ryback a storyline. But I don’t have a fetish for muscly guys, so…

We come back from the break to see CM Punk, who will either be facing Undertaker or Rock and Cena at WrestleMania. Either way, I think it should be in the main event. This guy has worked too hard and been to awesome to get bumped from the main event slot by a “I don’t do house shows” Rock. And then we go back to commercials again! Don’t you just love it when you sit through 3 minutes of commercials to get 5 seconds of CM Punk’s entrance, then 3 more minutes of commercials! We finally get to hear CM Punk speak after sitting through chicken commercials, and CM Punk starts to talk about his match with Cena tonight. Even though it’s been a little over done over the past year and a half, CM Punk vs. John Cena is always an awesome match. Punk brings out the best in Cena and Cena brings out the best in Punk.

He goes on to state that tonight is about him, and then starts to describe himself with some very ego driven adjectives, including calling himself God. Okay, if that promo wasn’t setting up Undertaker’s return, I don’t know what will. He flat out called himself an icon and immortal. Do you know who else is an icon? Do you know who else is immortal? UNDERTAKER. We get a little video package announcing that Donald Trump is this year’s celebrity inductee. No complaints here, Donald Trump is a worthy celebrity inductee. He was part of a big angle, and hosted two WrestleManias. We cut backstage to see Khali and Henry walking down an extremely long hallway so they can face each other. Glad to see this match tonight, because it means I won’t be seeing it at WrestleMania. Seriously, last week was a huge scare. Henry vs. Khali seriously looked like it was WrestleMania bound. Phew. So, the match starts, and well, Henry wins. In about 30 seconds. Nice. Henry being the unstoppable monster again is awesome to see. I’m curious as to who he will face at WrestleMania, since most of the logical choices are supposedly booked for something else. Just as long as he isn’t in a multi-man throw away match like he’s been in for years.

Henry vs. Khali: Match of the Century

We come back from what seems like the 200th commercial break for MizTV with Alberto Del Rio and Jack Swagger, or as most people know him as, that guy with Zeb Colter. A little disappointed that WWE didn’t suspend him for the whole DUI thing. I’m a huge fan of Swagger right now, but punishment needs to happen, and the Wellness Policy needs to apply to everyone. If Bourne and Truth get suspended for fake weed, Swagger should be getting suspended for real weed. Anyways, Alberto Del Rio and Zeb Colter (not Jack Swagger) go back and forth in a really political fashion. It’s quite awesome to be honest. Zeb Colter is one of the most believable characters in the WWE right now. Also, I noticed that Zeb is getting quite a few cheers. We are in Texas, I guess.

After a verbal decimation from Zeb, Jack Swagger says the only three lines he’s allowed to say, “We The People”. Good thing they chose a catchphrase with no S’s. We return from the break for Orton vs. Cesaro #5685. The match quality is awesome, but this match happens about 5 times a month. That’s not hyperbole. After a surprisingly short match, Orton hits an RKO for the win. I hope Orton turns heel, he’s so stale right now. We go backstage to see Team Hell No arguing over who can win a match blindfolded and with one arm behind their back. Of course, Vickie (with the awesome ball that is Brad Maddox) make the match exactly that, with a blindfolded Bryan and an arm-tied Kane facing PTP. So, we’re about to see PTP lose to a blinded guy and a one-armed guy. Awesome sauce. Still, it should be pretty entertaining, even if it makes PTP look like utter crap.

Not that they looked good before…

We return from the break to see Sheamus come out in a suit for his “Oscar Snubs and Flubs”. I’m just going to watch intently and tell you my feelings on it after the segment, because I feel like I’m going to need to sit there is awe of how horrible it will be – and it wasn’t. It was actually pretty funny. Sheamus pretty much came out and sarcastically praised Wade’s silent role in “Dead Man Down”, which prompted Wade to come out and give a rebuttal. Wade went for the Bullhammer, but Sheamus ducked and went for a Brogue Kick, which Wade ducked out of also. Well, it looks like we’re getting Sheamus vs. Barrett at WrestleMania. It would have been better had they not already had a match with each other 20 times this year already, but this feud is sure to boost the IC title’s credibility, no matter the outcome.

By the way, what the hell happened to Bo Dallas? I guess WWE realized that he’s terrible and awful and stupid and awful and terrible and sent him back to NXT. Now they just need to send him to the unemployment line. The returning R-Truth makes his way to the ring in a grey wife beater (ugh) to face Cody Rhodes. I just don’t like R-Truth. Maybe it’s because he’s lame, or maybe it’s because he looks like that guys who hangs around his old high school trying to sell weed to 16 year olds. Probably both. Seeing as he’s facing Rhodes and Sandow is on commentary, it looks like we’re either getting Truth vs. Sandow or R-Boom vs. Rhodes Scholars at ‘Mania, which are both terrible options. Rhodes Scholars should be facing the New Age Outlaws, who they’ve been facing at house shows recently. Feud builds itself. Start it on next week’s Old School Raw.

Would you leave your kid alone with this guy?

After the break, Team Hell No come out to face PTP, where Bryan will be blindfolded, and Kane will have one armed tied behind my back. I wouldn’t call the thing on Bryan’s head a blindfold though, it’s more like thing that a terrorist would put over his hostages heads. After some “I can’t see hijinks”, Kane gets tagged in and Chokeslams Darren Young for the win. Don’t know what the point of that was, but Bryan wrestling with a sac over his head was pretty fun. Still the best wrestler in the world even when he can’t see anything. After yet another commercial break, the Shield makes their way to the ring from the hard camera side of the arena to address the WWE fans. Not Universe, fans. Shield starts ranting about how they have destroyed everyone in their path, and have effectively solved the “Cena Problem”. Not to burst your bubble Shield, but you have in no way solved the Cena Problem. Sheamus’s music hits and he distracts the three, and Randy Orton comes in from behind and RKO’s Rollins. I guess Orton isn’t turning heel anytime soon, and Sheamus is a little sourpuss about his losses. What a sore loser. So I guess Sheamus is feuding the Shield AND Barrett? Jeez, WWE really likes to shove this man down our throats.

RANDOM PICTURE OF BRYAN WITH BAG ON HEAD

After a Swagger jobber entrance, the Miz makes his way to the ring for his match with J-Swagz. After a pretty one-sided match, Jack Swagger locks on the Ankle Lock, sorry, “Patriot Act”, and makes Miz tap out for the win. Match had a pretty intricate spot where Miz’s ankle got caught in the ropes in a areaway gross looking way. We cut to the announcer’s booth to see King randomly eating Sonic. I’m pretty sure Lawler shouldn’t be eating Sonic, considering he had a heart attack a while ago. But I guess you don’t really care about your heart when you are getting paid to eat. After the fourth re-cap of the whole Triple H/Lesnar thing that happened at the start of the show, we go backstage for an interview with Cena. I’m aware that Cena is great on the mic, but his mic work has just been terrible lately. Like, awkwardly terrible. He should just stop talking for a while. After Touting about Undertaker’s return in Waco and reining the non-surprise of his return tonight, Taker’s probable ‘Mania opponent CM Punk makes his way down to the ring to face John Cena. Expect Undertaker’s gongs to hit just as Punk is about to win. The after-entrance introductions are making this match seem even bigger than it already is.

Super Cena!

The two mega-stars lock up, and as they usually do, start the match with some chain wrestling. Some masterful chain wrestling happens for a good 5 minutes, but Cena starts to hit his signature shoulder blocks. Punk ducks under one of them, sending Cena out of the ring. Punk follows it up with a suicide dive as we go to commercial break. I think we should just call any suicide dive before a commercial break a “Kofi Dive”. After that very premature commercial break, CM Punk reverses an AA and locks Cena in an Anaconda Vise. Cena breaks out, but Punk catches him with the armtrap neckbreaker. I think that neckbreaker might hurt Punk more than Cena, considering Punk once fractured his skull doing it.

Punk gets caught in the STF, but Punk literally slips out and locks in the Anaconda Vise on Cena. Cena, reverses the Vise into a Crippler Crossface, but Punk once again breaks free. Great match so far. The two start to trade strikes, but Cena hits his Protobomb and goes for the 5-Knucke Shuffle. Punk catches him and sets him up for a GTS, but Cena once again wiggles out. Still waiting for my false finish. Punk lands a gross looking high knee to Cena in the corner, but Cena once again hits to Protobomb, this time landing the 5-Knuckle Shuffle. CM Punk goes for a GTS, but Cena catches Punk with a new move, the mystical Powerbomb! It seems like a reoccurring thing that Cena does a new move in big matches. Cena goes to the top rope, but Punk catches him and goes for a superplex. Cena head-butts Punk off the top rope and lands the leg drop bulldog from the top rope for the 2 count. Amazing match so far. So amazing that I need two paragraphs to re-cap it. To the next paragraph!

I’m waiting patiently for someone to photoshop Cena on the toilet.

Punk kicks Cena in the head, and hits another knee to Cena in the corner, but Cena catches him with an AA for the 2 count! There’s my false finish! Punk rolls to the outside and Cena follows, but Punk rams Cena into the ringpost. The ref starts to count Cena out, but Cena makes it in last second. Punk lifts Cena up or the GTS and hits it! But he only gets a two count! Punk goes for another one, but Cena reverses and locks in the STF. Punk makes it to the rope, letting this match of the year continue. Punk picks up Cena and lands A FREAKING PILEDRIVER! Haven’t seen that banned move done by a guy who isn’t Taker in years! Punk only gets a two count, and he heads to the top rope for the Savage Elbow Drop. Cena rolls out of the way and lands a wonky looking Huricanrana and hits an AA for the win. A little bit of an underwhelming finish, but the match was SO FREAKING GOOD. I don’t know how anyone can follow that within the next few months. It was just…amazing. I was also hoping that Undertaker would cost Punk the match, but there’s still time for Taker to come out, especially since he is apparently under the ring right now. Or not. Because the signature just popped up on screen. Ugh.

I think the piledriver made up for the Undertaker no-show.

Even though there was no Undertaker, that main event was just orgasmic. Phenomenal stuff.