Smarky Report Card: WWE Raw (04/15/13)

Sheamus & Randy Orton vs. Big Show

We kick off RAW with the exact same match we saw on Smackdown. I understand that not many people watch Smackdown, but you don’t need to re-do everything for RAW. People always complain about Smackdown being a big RAW recap, but I would go as far as saying that RAW is just a big Smackdown do-over. The match itself was pretty good, even though the story surrounding it was pretty boring. It featured the usual spots that Orton and Sheamus do on Big Show. Middle rope DDT. Sheamus lifts Big Show. Nothing new. Still, it was a pretty good match to kick off RAW. Seeing as Henry is starting a feud with Sheamus, it feels kind of stupid to have this handicap match close off what could have been a good Triple Threat match at Extreme Rules. Still, we could get Orton vs. Big Show.

Grade: C

3MB Call Out The Shield

Our next segment of the night features 3MB calling out the Shield for attacking them on Smackdown. Surprisingly, the Shield doesn’t come out, and 3MB is instead met with Brock Lesnar, who destroys all of them. Heath Slater took a nasty bump from an F-5 to the guardrail. Since they are planning to continue the Lesnar/HHH feud (yay?), I was half expecting Triple H to come out and save 3MB. Then he could start the new WWE super stable, 4MB. Anyway, Lesnar (or should I say Heyman) cut a promo on how there can only be one alpha-male in the WWE. Well, there can only be one part-time alpha male in Lesnar and Triple H’s case. I’m assuming that Lesnar vs. Triple H will main event Extreme Rules. Now John Cena will know how CM Punk felt. WWE Champion, yet not main event of the PPV.

Grade: B

Antonio Cesaro vs. Kofi Kingston for the United States Championship

And now it’s time for our bi-yearly Kofi Kingston 2 month midcard title push! Yes folks, it’s that time of the year again and Kofi Kingston has once again found himself with a United States Championship for what seems like no apparent reason. I guess we all kind of knew Kofi was going to win the title from Cesaro (who is a great yodeller by the way) when he beat him on Smackdown. Kofi getting a random win over a big star is always a sign that he is getting another random push. I personally would have kept the title on Cesaro until Kidd was able to return. An immediate US title win would’ve been a great push for Kidd. Well, I guess we’re going to have to trade that for Kofi Kingston’s 629th midcard title reign. At least it was an awesome match. Kingston’s just a transitional champ for Fandango anyway. By the way, Kofi Kingston deserves an Oscar for always acting like he’s won the WWE Championship every time he wins a meaningless belt.

Grade: B

Ziggler Promo

First thing’s first, Big E Langston is the biggest third wheel in the universe. Dolph and AJ continuously make-out in front of him as he just awkwardly stand there. Anyway, Dolph cut a promo on how he is awesome, but was interrupted by Del Rio, who’s new remixed music takes the cake for worst interrupting music ever. Del Rio said that he’s cashing in his rematch clause now, but before the match can start, Swagger’s WAAAAAY better interrupting music hits him and Colter come out. As expected, Swagger wants a shot at the title, even though he has no actual claim. Things broke out and Swagger ended up locking on the Ankle Lock on Del Rio. The whole segment was pretty messy. Too many things happened at once.

Grade: D

Team Hell No vs. Primetime Players

Really? We’re doing this again? Sheesh. The Shield didn’t even interupt. The only redeeming thing about this match was that Team Hell No and the Undertaker vs. Shield was announced for next week.

Grade: F

Ryback Interview

We get a long pre-taped promo from Ryback on why he attacked Cena. Good thing they had a nice dark closet handy to film it in. Ryback actually came off as one horrifying dude. The guy has great heel potential. Also, his mouth makes very weird movements when he talks. Kind of distracting.

Grade: A

Wade Barrett vs. R-Truth

Want to know a great way to capitalize on a new champion’s momentum? Have R-Truth beat him. Yep, that happened. After regaining his IC title from the Miz in impressive (and clean) fashion, WWE put Barrett back to his old ways of losing as champion to really random people. Now we have to sit through an R-Truth/Barrett feud. I would rather see a Barrett/Dallas feud. Whatever happened to Bo Dallas anyways? And what about #1 Contender’s matches? All midcard title feuds are started after someone beats the champion in a non-title match. Last time we had a number one contender’s match for a midcard title was when Christian returned and won a battle royale. Anyways, lame match, lame outcome, lame R-Truth.

Grade: D

The Great Khali & Santino Marella vs. Team Rhodes Scholars

I get to see R-Truth AND the Great Khali this week? Wow WWE, you really spoil me. In a really crappy match, the Rhodes Scholars had to cheat (yes, cheat) to beat a fake Italian and a guy who can barely walk. These guys were almost tag team champions once. Kind of like the Primetime Players. This match was just a giant waste of talent. Sandow deserves better, Rhodes deserves better, and most of all, Natalya deserves better.

Grade: F

Fandango Interview

Well, this was one awkward segment. WWE built it all up as if the crowd was going to start “Fandangoing”, and they sat on their hands. Maybe it’s because WWE took something good and shoved it down our throats until we started choking, or maybe it’s because we didn’t have the NJ/European crowd. Still, Fandango did his best with the crap that he was given, and I hope he doesn’t get sent back to NXT because of this train wreck segment.

Grade: D

Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger

Having two heels face each other is rarely a good idea, and that came across pretty well in this match. It’s not a knock on Ziggler and Swagger, because they actually had a pretty good match, but when you have two heels face each other, the crowd doesn’t really know who to cheer for. Swagger winning was a pretty bad decision too. I understand that they are having a Triple Threat, but Dolph JUST won the title and his momentum has already been squashed.

Grade: D

CM Punk Promo

Sometimes, silence speaks louder than words. After missing last week due to “injuries from the Undertaker”, Punk got up in the ring, cut a very short promo on what’s left to do, and left. Having Punk leaving, as much as I will miss him, was a great decision. Punk deserves the time off and he will be fresher when he returns in a month or so.Grade: A

Kaitlyn vs. Nikki Bella

Let’s see, out of all the talented Divas the WWE has access too (Natalya, Paige, AJ, Tamina, Layla, Naomi), they decided to have one of the Bellas (the “larger one” as King puts it) face Kaitlyn in a match and beat her. Good job, WWE.

Grade: F

John Cena Confronts Ryback

First off, let us mourn the loss of the production crew guy who cut to Seth Rollins by accident before he was supposed to be revealed, spoiling the Shield’s interference. Secondly, come on Cena, the dude’s afraid of fireworks. I wouldn’t consider him that big of a threat to the title. Just throw a couple fire crackers at him and he’ll be in the corner crying. In all seriousness, the segment was pretty good. Ryback looked pretty damn good as a heel and him not doing anything to save Cena from the Shield spoke more words than Ryback could have said. Cena’s line about needing a big p***s to be champion was a little weird though. I guess the Rock‘s constant p***s talk rubbed off on him.

Grade: BOverall Grade: D