Previously on…
Kathy got a weird surprise lap dance from Johnny Ace and her daughter at her wedding celebration.
Nikki was mad that Brie had changed since she married Bryan and Winston ate his own poop. JJ dropped from the top spot for being a brat, Nikki snuck in a win for the episode by proving she’s not completely soulless and Bryan’s dead. Or he went back to Washington or something.
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We open the episode with Brie at the beach with JJ and Ace. Brie looks upon a sunset, takes a picture and wonders if she sent it to Bryan, would it make him happier? Would the idea that every day is a new day with each setting sun bring the promise of hope and opportunity?
Could this help him find the strength within, to push forward, face his challenges, and emerge from the dark clouds like a phoenix to the sky, victorious in life, laughter, and love?
It is the most mediocre sunset I've ever seen.
Nikki, Kathy, and JJ’s pregnant wife Lauren join them, so we get more of Brie explaining that no, she hasn’t changed because she’s with Bryan, NIKKI has changed since she’s been with Cena. Nikki’s all “Whaaaa?” and then totally agrees. She just needs to spend more time with Brie.
They should produce and star in a television program together.
Nipples, Florida
Brittni and Shawna, who’s names were picked out from the leftovers at Are You The One? at MTV Studios, are Brie and Nikki’s friends who showed up for the free booze wedding celebration. Brie flashes nip then correctly points out that even men have nipples. JJ is horrified.
At dinner, the party toasts to nipples, because that’s this week’s theme and Aces decided to take a break and hire a stripper for Kathy instead of busting out his shirt moves.
The stripper, who everyone agreed was “very nice” looked like a villain from Ratatouille 2: New Jersey Nights. Brie drops the bombshell that she’s gonna go see her husband. Seems legit.
JJ. JJJJJJJJJJ. What are you doing, bro? I get that being surrounded by women your whole life, you probably wouldn’t mind a little guy to hang out with, but I’m not sure Wiccan prayers and Voo Doo curses directed at your wife’s stomach area is the right way to secure a son being born.
Especially at the breakfast table. Nikki reminisces of a time when kings and queens would decapitate a child for being born a girl. Also, Shawna, or maybe Brittni, looks just like Blake Lively after a mind-wipe.
Kathy reveals that while she was raised in a caring and nurturing household, she has dated men, including the twins’ dad, who have made her feel bad about herself, physically. That sucks. Don’t do that, to anybody. You’re a terrible person if you do. The whole family rallies behind her and genuine love and care is shown by all.
Then Nikki calls her mom a “cougar,” proving once again that she doesn’t understand words, forces Kathy to take off her mumu-esque patio wear and wear a sarong, which is basically a see-through butt scarf, and we’re back to square one.
Meanwhile, in Phoenix...
Brie reunites with Bryan in Phoenix so she can be there for him during his upcoming doctor/therapist appointments. Look, I’ve been going over this for the past three episodes but it still sucks.
Bryan was forced to retire then told there is NO chance he can ever wrestle again. He bolted because of course, it’s difficult to be living with a family of professional wrestlers, take care of a rehabbing professional wrestler, AND try to figure out what to do with his life outside of the ring.
I understand and appreciate Brie’s efforts, but showing up to a detached husband to talk about how it’s Wrestlemania season and that’s why she’s super busy must be the worst. I’m not gonna pretend to know what’s best for anyone here, and the timing of all of it is terrible.
I hate watching one of my favourite wrestlers be so miserable and his wife and her career taking hits because of it. I just want Bryan to feel better and focus on being the best Bryan he can be and then maybe he can finally find his shoes.
JJ went from being the levelheaded little bro who I could always count on to being kind of a bratty jerk, and now he’s been forced to see both his sisters’ boobs in one episode. He’s gone from top shelf to casualty in just a handful of ‘sodes and it’s just a reminder that nothing is guaranteed in this topsy-turvy world we live in.
When Nikki confronts him about wanting a boy child and how that might affect Lauren he considers that it’s because his dad sucked, so he wants a chance to do a better job at being a father. Well, you already lost Round 1 by having a preference, dude.
Art, with an “F”
JJ lands on “healthy” child as the more important genitalia to have because Nikki talked sense into him and now it looks like Nikki might win this episode, too. Unprecedented.
She not only got something right, she made JJ look good in the process. Then, of course, she got confused about how one is supposed to “raise the roof” if they’re outside. That’s our Nikki!
When the family returns to John Cena’s house, Winston shows John his new trick of going down 3 stairs. Cena refuses him a treat and says it sucked hanging out with Winston while everyone was gone. It makes sense why Bryan took Josie with him to Phoenix. I almost forgot about Cena’s dog-bloodlust. Almost.
JJ and Nikki meet John at a painting class, where John admits some more that he is not a fan of Winston, and that he ruins Date Night all the time.
I guess because Nikki misses him when they leave but I like to imagine Winston setting up reverse Home Alone booby traps all around the house while they get ready to go out. Or maybe cutting the brakes to the car.
We get a reminder that Brie and Bryan would like to adopt (read: rescue from certain death) Winston whenever because they don’t actively wish for a canine genocide. When everyone is done with their paintings, which from what I can tell was a paint-by-numbers of a lady in stilettos exercise, we go around and hear thoughts and critics.
JJ’s is the stilettos with a bunch of Pollock on it to show that behind chaos, lies beauty. Nikki’s is just the stilettos, portraying a young lady nervously staying in her lane in life. John’s is a penis, but it has a lot of meaning. Like how balls make lemonade and penises can fly.
Johnny tries to help, results pending
Back at Casa de Cena, Johnny Ace bumbles his way through lighting two fires. One literal, one emotional. Kathy has found a lump on her breast, and while she thinks it’s probs just her implant and doesn’t want to scare her kids with news of possible cancer, Ace awkwardly tries to get her to tell her kids.
This leads to an argument about possible cancer, and when a good time to tell people would be. Nothing is resolved so Ace just tells the kids on his own. Quick fashion note: At this point, Nikki is wearing what looks like Sami Zayn’s leisure gear and now I want him to start a clothing line called Sami’s Pajammies.
Bryan and Brie end the episode with a nice trip to a park where you take selfies and a vegan lunch and Bryan’s spirits seem to be improving. But we can’t have nice things so everyone piles on Kathy to go get the lumps on her breast checked out.
She caves and goes with Nikki to get an examination the day before her wedding but she’s still mad at Johnny for spilling the cancer beans. Fair enough. The optimist in me hopes that it’s just a weird thing from her recent implants and not a serious medical concern. The pessimist in me says it’s a sketchy corporate tie-in used as a plot device.
Nikki won this episode by not only being an understanding human being but also making JJ look better in the process. Who saw that coming?
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