Total Bellas, Episode 5: The Rise of Nikki

Nipples, Florida

Pastry Pete’s day job is an exterminator.

Brittni and Shawna, who’s names were picked out from the leftovers at Are You The One? at MTV Studios, are Brie and Nikki’s friends who showed up for the free booze wedding celebration. Brie flashes nip then correctly points out that even men have nipples. JJ is horrified.

At dinner, the party toasts to nipples, because that’s this week’s theme and Aces decided to take a break and hire a stripper for Kathy instead of busting out his shirt moves.

The stripper, who everyone agreed was “very nice” looked like a villain from Ratatouille 2: New Jersey Nights. Brie drops the bombshell that she’s gonna go see her husband. Seems legit.

JJ. JJJJJJJJJJ. What are you doing, bro? I get that being surrounded by women your whole life, you probably wouldn’t mind a little guy to hang out with, but I’m not sure Wiccan prayers and Voo Doo curses directed at your wife’s stomach area is the right way to secure a son being born.

Especially at the breakfast table. Nikki reminisces of a time when kings and queens would decapitate a child for being born a girl. Also, Shawna, or maybe Brittni, looks just like Blake Lively after a mind-wipe.

Kathy reveals that while she was raised in a caring and nurturing household, she has dated men, including the twins’ dad, who have made her feel bad about herself, physically. That sucks. Don’t do that, to anybody. You’re a terrible person if you do. The whole family rallies behind her and genuine love and care is shown by all.

Then Nikki calls her mom a “cougar,” proving once again that she doesn’t understand words, forces Kathy to take off her mumu-esque patio wear and wear a sarong, which is basically a see-through butt scarf, and we’re back to square one.