Previously on…
Kathy got a weird surprise lap dance from the part of the Jersey Shore underneath the boardwalk. JJ continued to lose his footing as Best Bella, Nikki snuck in another win, and Cena painted neon penises.
Also, Johnny Laurinaitis blew up Kathy’s “possible cancer” spot to the whole family, and Bryan has seemed to improve slightly since removing himself from the show. I wish I could do the same…
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Winston probably ate more of his own poop.
The beginning of the end
So I guess this is the season finale?
I didn’t even realise that until the episode ended and the “Next time on…” part was replaced by “Total Divas returns!” As much as I bitch and moan about having to watch this show, I am going to miss judging people on TV that aren’t here to defend themselves. Makes me feel like a big man.
So the big deal this episode, and I guess a running theme this whole season, is the marriage between Ma Bella (Kathy) and Johnny Ace (Laurinaitis). Family from both sides are in attendance, and everyone is drinking except Lauren, JJ’s wife because she’s pregnant.
The wedding ceremony is on a boat, and it’s nice enough, I guess. Look, I’ve been on a punk rock booze cruise that was classier than this Fancy Dress Float-a-thon. All these people are astronaut rich, so I assumed they could afford a wedding on land. And NOT in Florida. But what do I know?
My favourite visiting relative is Nana, the Bella Kids’ grandma. She looks as old as time but has plenty of gusto, and genuinely seems to love her grandkids. She gives Nikki and John, couples advice and enjoys the wedding and party. At one point she did say that “Watching television is boring”, so she and I could never be friends.
Bummer, too, I’m always looking for a feisty grandma-type to add to my crew.
Johnny Ace tried to help, results: Success!
Episode 5 ended with Nikki forcing her mom, Kathy, to go get a lump on her breast checked out. She wanted to wait until after the wedding to do anything about it or even tell her kids, but Johnny told the JJ and Nikki anyway.
Nikki, in turn, called Brie who is visiting Bryan in Phoenix, to tell her she’s at the doctor’s with their mom, who’s getting her breasts checked out by people and machines. Sounds like a Bella-style lap dance to me.
Everything’s cool, though, because as Kathy expected, it was just fake boob stuff. Like, I guess her implant got wrinkled or something? I don’t know how boobs work, to be honest.
All the kids agree that it was a good thing for Johnny to tell them, against their mom’s will that she may have cancer, and The Ace That Hangs Around The Place makes a bold move for the top spot of not only this episode, but the entire season.
At one point, Brie (or maybe, Nikki) says that “Anytime you feel something weird in your boobs, go get it checked out,” and all that does, is conjure up the image of a doctor saying to his patient, “Ma’am, that’s a Werther’s Original that fell into your bra.”
During a complicated discussion about the seriousness of breast cancer, Nikki says “Because it’s reality.” Just like this show, which is definitely not 98% scripted.
We need to talk about Bryan
Bryan couldn’t make it to the wedding because his doctors don’t want him travelling and/or around people. I want Bryan’s doctors.
This causes Nikki to confront Brie about how Bryan’s a liar, liar, pants on fire. She loves him and all, she just thinks he’s deceitfully ruining Brie’s life, by being forced by the company she works for, to retire, having anxiety and depression, and never wearing shoes. Brie then has to explain what having a husband means for the 700th time.
Nikki is sad because she doesn’t understand that rehabbing so she can return to her career after an injury, isn’t the same as having all your hopes, dreams, and passion stripped away like a championship belt and crushed like a calf.
With Wrestlemania around the corner, Brie is convinced by Nikki to do some MMA training for her retirement match at the show. You know, as opposed to doing it BEFORE she’s gearing up to retire. Maybe trying extra hard to get better at your job, would have had fans get behind you from the get-go.
As it stands, now that Nikki’s back on the active list, all you have to do is squint a little, and it’s like Brie’s there anyway. But both Nikki and Johnny are rightfully concerned that between Bryan’s health and Brie’s retirement match and her mom’s third wedding, she’s not getting the attention and satisfaction she should.
Johnny is lovingly concerned and understanding about her situation, but Nikki just attacks Bryan for lying about...um...I don’t think she actually named what he was lying about but damn it; she’s not happy!
Fair, we saw on the last episode, that she just misses hanging out with her sister (?), but Brie has one foot out the door of wrestling and all eyes on starting a family with her husband, so, you know, priorities.
Real quick, at one point in the episode Nikki, plays a “prank” on her mom. The gist of it is, she and Johnny and Brie are still at the training centre, and they’re gonna be late to the rehearsal dinner.
The joke is, they’re totally in the car and just 15 minutes away! “Lying until you stop” is cheap, lazy humour that I am not opposed to, but this is the only level we’re working with here, and it’s bottom shelf, at best.
The Final Exam
After accusing Bryan of being dishonest and fighting with Brie, over the fact that he’s not healthy, Nikki explains that she doesn’t understand why Bryan can’t just be happy and get over it. She says she’s a strong person because she had to go through s*** and take care of herself, so he should be able to as well.
Yup. That’s exactly how these two situations that are exactly the same, work.
This is the part I will not miss writing about. I get very frustrated seeing someone I really dig, be broken inside and out and then dismissed by their sister-in-law, who Bella-splains the “reality” of it all. It’s like when someone fatter than you gives you dieting advice. Just shut up and go sign the 4,000-page marriage contract, Nicole.
Most importantly, who won the first season of Total Bellas? Johnny Ace, yo! Johnny Ace really made a great comeback this episode. Not that he had much to even come back from, he’s been pretty steady all season.
Really, his only competition was JJ, who dropped half way through like Raw ratings during football season and out of nowhere back-to-back wins from Nikki.
Kathy seems fine and even won an episode with a Twins reference, but she was never a true contender. JJ was an early leader but fell apart in the second half of the season. Brie is too flighty to really win anything, but she gets points for being a great wife.
And Cena may or may not have a canine torture dungeon somewhere on his property, but he’s definitely keeping Nikki captive in their relationship.
Bryan was an early pick, except he’s been off in Arizona trying to fix his mind grapes, and it really looks like he’s improving, which makes me happy, but that technically takes him out of the competition. He even had a great bit this episode, that proved his sense of humour isn’t concussed, and single-handedly kept the penis-talk streak going.
When Brie said she wants to do a bikini photo shoot before she gets preggers, Bryan says he wants to have a penis photo shoot. This is, of course, so people remember him for his “now” penis, and not his dad penis.
So to seal up the win, Johnny Ace gives a heartfelt speech to the Bella family about how he’s super stoked to be a part of them. He good cries and everyone accepts him into the family anyway.
I’m not sure if E! just doesn’t understand how cliffhangers and season finales work, but we got a very odd mix of the two at the end of the episode. John and Nikki go to a regularly scheduled check up for her neck, so, of course, it’s presented as a life or death situation.
It happens so late in the episode that when they broke for commercial, I thought for sure we’d have to wait until early in the next episode to find out if her neck is healing well, or if it’s planning to murder her in her sleep.
But there is no next episode.
So instead they just tack it onto the end where the “Next week on…” part usually goes and are all like “Neck’s good. Watch Total Divas!”
I, for one, am not watching Total Divas. I watched Total Bellas for the character’s that WEREN’T the Bellas, like Psycho Cena, Broken Bryan, and Johnny Crybags.
OK, fine, I’ll probably watch it. But I’m not recapping it.
OK, I might recap it.
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