The Final Exam
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After accusing Bryan of being dishonest and fighting with Brie, over the fact that he’s not healthy, Nikki explains that she doesn’t understand why Bryan can’t just be happy and get over it. She says she’s a strong person because she had to go through s*** and take care of herself, so he should be able to as well.
Yup. That’s exactly how these two situations that are exactly the same, work.
This is the part I will not miss writing about. I get very frustrated seeing someone I really dig, be broken inside and out and then dismissed by their sister-in-law, who Bella-splains the “reality” of it all. It’s like when someone fatter than you gives you dieting advice. Just shut up and go sign the 4,000-page marriage contract, Nicole.
Most importantly, who won the first season of Total Bellas? Johnny Ace, yo! Johnny Ace really made a great comeback this episode. Not that he had much to even come back from, he’s been pretty steady all season.
Really, his only competition was JJ, who dropped half way through like Raw ratings during football season and out of nowhere back-to-back wins from Nikki.
Kathy seems fine and even won an episode with a Twins reference, but she was never a true contender. JJ was an early leader but fell apart in the second half of the season. Brie is too flighty to really win anything, but she gets points for being a great wife.
And Cena may or may not have a canine torture dungeon somewhere on his property, but he’s definitely keeping Nikki captive in their relationship.
Bryan was an early pick, except he’s been off in Arizona trying to fix his mind grapes, and it really looks like he’s improving, which makes me happy, but that technically takes him out of the competition. He even had a great bit this episode, that proved his sense of humour isn’t concussed, and single-handedly kept the penis-talk streak going.
When Brie said she wants to do a bikini photo shoot before she gets preggers, Bryan says he wants to have a penis photo shoot. This is, of course, so people remember him for his “now” penis, and not his dad penis.
So to seal up the win, Johnny Ace gives a heartfelt speech to the Bella family about how he’s super stoked to be a part of them. He good cries and everyone accepts him into the family anyway.
I’m not sure if E! just doesn’t understand how cliffhangers and season finales work, but we got a very odd mix of the two at the end of the episode. John and Nikki go to a regularly scheduled check up for her neck, so, of course, it’s presented as a life or death situation.
It happens so late in the episode that when they broke for commercial, I thought for sure we’d have to wait until early in the next episode to find out if her neck is healing well, or if it’s planning to murder her in her sleep.
But there is no next episode.
So instead they just tack it onto the end where the “Next week on…” part usually goes and are all like “Neck’s good. Watch Total Divas!”
I, for one, am not watching Total Divas. I watched Total Bellas for the character’s that WEREN’T the Bellas, like Psycho Cena, Broken Bryan, and Johnny Crybags.
OK, fine, I’ll probably watch it. But I’m not recapping it.
OK, I might recap it.
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