Previously on this show...
The Draft happened, either solidifying relationships or maliciously destroying them because The Draft is a fickle bastard. Paige broke up with Alberto Del Rio and ran away with Alicia Fox, I think. It’s been a long week, let’s not waste any more time…
Maryse wants to get her picture taken for The Miz for him when he gets back from shooting The Marine 17: Th Reshoot-ening. Maryse believes the one thing a guy wants is pictures of his wife who is on tv all the time, getting pictures taken of her everywhere she goes, and then keeping extra pictures of them in the house they both live in, where she probably keeps her modelling career photos.
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Since this is “sexy,” and not “wrestling,” Eva Marie gets involved and they poll the backstage crew to see what THEY would like to come home to after being away filming movies. They all say booze and food, and I’m sure Maryse will take that information to heart, probably by getting pictures taken of her with food and booze,
But this episode is all about Naomi and...wait, no, a Bella needs TV time.
If you remember from Total Bellas, Daniel Bryan had to quit wrestling and his wife Brie Bella retired to stay home and have babies with him. But now Bryan is back on wrestling TV managing Smackdown Live, so Brie just stays at home, I guess?
Since she probably actually loves her husband, she goes on not-wrestling TV to see him. I’m glad this was captured on camera or I’m not sure I would have believed it.
Back to Naomi...
Human Dementor, Mark Carrano, tells a visibly excited Naomi that yeah, she’ll get a cool, glowy entrance, just not now, and creative might “tweak” it.
HOLD IT. Brie needs water, and she doesn’t feel comfortable getting it in the gigantic building they are currently filming a tv show in. So then Bryan jumps rope for her in the arena and she gets so hot for him that she has to go back to her hotel room.
Or she was grossed out by it and had to leave, I couldn’t tell. Brie’s been off TV for a week so her acting skills may be a bit rusty, but this scene was pivotal.
UPDATE: Eva Marie spent 2 days trying to come up with a “concept” for her and Maryse’s sexy photo shoot. She lands on “Baywatch” because she’s “never done anything like that.” I find it incredibly hard to believe that a) Eva has never had her picture taken whilst wearing a bikini, and b) she came up with Baywatch by herself.
At best she heard about it recently because The Rock is starring in the reboot this summer. More likely a producer told her about it, then had to explain who The Rock was. Maryse loves the idea.
Naomi, attempt three
Naomi tells her husband and Natalya that after 2 years, creative finally got back to her about her Glowntrance (glowing entrance). That seems about right. 2 years late on talent, 12 years late on pop culture references. Wrestling math.
But the problem with the Glowntrance is all the lights in the arena would have to be turned off like Undertaker and Bray do. Natalya, being the warm hearted vet that she is, tells Naomi that she’s not "main event" enough to have that done for her. This is all going swimmingly for Naomi, so far.
Meanwhile, Maryse and Eva, in preparation for their Baywatch photo shoot, go to some sort of spa. At this spa, they are beaten with cacti, wrapped in plastic, and then cooked. Eva wants to die, Maryse continues to be French about it.
Renee and Dean are in Lake Tahoe for a little vacation together. Here, they learn that their dog, Blue, is terrified of mini-rocking chair pigs. I find this fascinating because this wooden pig looks just like Blue. Also, “Blue” is a great name. It’s like a cooler “Eeyore.”
I would spend everyday walking around the house yelling “YOU’RE MY BOY, BLUE!” and everyone would be amused. Renne calls Nikki Bella and Nikki Bella-splains how to dress sexy without looking like you’re trying to dress sexy.
This would be like if Mojo Rawley were to explain Swiss-German to Cesaro. Also, Renee wanted to cook for Dean on their romantic getaway, but Dean ordered a pizza. If these kids can’t learn to communicate more efficiently, I’m not sure she’ll ever get him to pop the question.
Back at Naomi’s place (maybe? I don’t know they haven’t spent much time on her during this episode that is named after her catchphrase), she’s trying to figure out how glow-in-the-dark clothing and accessories work, with the help of her husband, Jon. Jon is rarely any help, but almost always smiling. He’s the Apollo Crews of this relationship.
Also, Brie is mad because there is no internet in her hotel room, and she needs it for a conference call with her agents and sister. Her husband, Daniel Bryan tries to help by making jokes about porn. Bryan is rarely any help, but almost always joking about porn.
He’s the Daniel Bryan of this relationship. This does not please Nikki because she thinks Brie is spending time with Bryan on the road instead of taking conference calls. She then, in an attempt to get Brie to prioritise her career and concentrate on stuff not involving her husband, asks “Didn’t you retire?” and my brain snapped in half like Sid Vicious’s leg.
Naomi’s time to glow!
Maryse and Eva, already in bathing suits for their photo shoot, are packing the car with equipment during a flashback to them talking about the photo shoot. Maryse is friends with the photographer so she’s getting “like half-off” the normal price. I don’t know the running total of a Baywatch-themed shoot, but half off anything seems like a pretty good deal.
I did notice the girls packed the car with enough stuff to fill an airplane hangar, so maybe the dude was knocking off labour costs. When the photographer and hair/makeup crew are on location, Maryse immediately throws a tantrum about being hungry because all she’s had to eat for 5 days is juice.
Even Eva is like “This is not fun, and stupid. I’m going to where other cameras probably are. Bye.” Eva Marie is the voice of reason, and hell got central air for a minute. After eating a burger like a toddler, Maryse is back to her regular self and the super necessary photo shoot is back on!
Dean Ambrose has the audacity to say Renee is “high maintenance,” and that she’s spending too much time with the Bellas. One of those things is true. Renee just wants to go out for a nice meal once in awhile, because dammit, she deserves it.
So she takes Dean to get an outfit that doesn’t make him look like he lives with Frank Reynolds and Charlie Kelly. At fancy dinner, Dean learns how to eat like an adult, and tries wine for the first time because they don’t have whiskey.
Dean is showing happiness. This isn’t fooling Renee, though, who is now coming to terms with the fact that he’s a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.
Nikki is still giving Brie crap for being retired and spending time with her husband, trying to have a baby, instead of being retired and taking conference calls. They should really think about getting their own show.
My favourite part of the episode, by a landslide, is when Dean and Renee go to a dive bar. Renee explains that she took him to a fancy restaurant to inject some romance into the relationship.
Dean is having none of that, reiterating what his clothing already screams, saying you don’t need fancy stuff to be romantic. Renee counters with “But girls like romance like that, like when they share spaghetti in Lady and the Tramp!” at which point I sprang to my feet, pointed at Dean and said out loud “SAY IT.”
“That scene in took place in an alley.”
He said it. Dean Ambrose, hobo Valentino.
The show ends with Naomi finally getting to try out her new entrance. It goes pretty well, I think. If she puts in the effort, maybe this glow dance thing might make it to air, some day.
I love Naomi because she makes this show tolerable. Naomi is very self-aware, which is incredibly refreshing on this show. Like, she understands what her job is and what it entails and where she sits on the totem pole, and how to get closer to the top. And, Naomi’s real name is Trinity, which is 100% more pro wrestling sounding than her fake name.
That is soooo baller. That’s the equivalent of tying one arm behind your back before a bar fight. It'd be like wearing blue during your faction’s entrance when everyone else is wearing black. It’d be like a stripper named Giant Boobs choosing the stage name “Jenn Stern.” It makes no sense, seems counter-productive, and totally works.
Also, anyone seen Paige and Alicia?
Song that was in my head this whole time: Transistor Sister by Gaunt
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