Previously on this show: Maryse got ketchup in her hair and Renee was confused about Lady and the Tramp.
Right off the bat, we get the Bella twins, after them not being in the previews at all. This is important because how would we know that Brie and Nikki are still alive? Today at lunch they discuss what Brie will have on her salad.
That is literally the most exciting part of their conversation, which also hovers around vaginas and Brie possibly not doing sex correctly so that she may conceive. Oh, and my favourite Bella trope, them not understanding words, what they mean, or how they work.
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Seriously, how did they figure out how to make those topics boring? And is there any way we can get them to do it across two separate television shows?
Yeesh, that’s rough. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be so mean to the Bellas since immediately following them is human Potter villain, Mark Carrano. He’s uncharacteristically happy because he gets to give Eva Marie good news for once! The news is ”You are doing your job tonight,” which I guess is pretty good if you haven’t been allowed to do it yet.
I’m curious to see what MC Banality thinks is so exciting and will “set her apart from the everybody else.” He’s really excited about it. So is Eva, obviously, but I think Mark is secretly in love with Eva. He is so over the moon that he gets to tell her to do her job instead of what he usually does: crap on women’s dreams.
Although, now that I think about it, he has the same dumb look on his face when he does that, too.
Also backstage, Miz tries to solve the case of Is My Wife Blind? because it’s either that, or she’s illiterate. She claims to be able to read 3 different languages but I’ve seen no proof. Also, Miz made the “That’s why you married The Miz, you’re blind!” joke before anyone else because he’s better at being funny than 99% of WWE.
Those Real World classes are finally paying off.
So, Mizzy concocts a plan to trick his wife into admitting she can’t see. It works because she’s needed glasses since she was in college and has just refused to wear any corrective accessories. Now, as an adult, she still refuses glasses or contacts. And no way is she getting a laser jammed in her face eyes.
Red and the executioner
Remember when I said Dr Dementor was excited to tell Eva she was doing her job that night? Turns out her job is literally Not Doing Her Job. Meaning her first storyline is all about how she makes excuses as to why she can’t wrestle each night. Here is the likely scenario for how this came to be:
Eva bugs Mark about being on tv.Mark loves Eva.Mark goes to WWE Creative’s office for an update on Eva.No one is in the office.Mark panics.Eva dyes her hair redder.Mark tracks down Carl from Creative.Carl tells Mark he didn’t get to Eva’s file yet because he got held up in traffic.Mark tells Eva that Carl from Creative has a great idea.
Eva has concerns on how this storyline will affect her whole character, as does Fartin’ Natty. I think with the right payoff, Eva Marie could become a huge star. Carmella calls Eva a “fame thirsty wannabe Kardashian” because Carmella thought she was on an episode of Chelsea Lately.
Two episodes ago, Paige went missing after her boyfriend Alberto Del Rio broke up with her. She was M.I.E. (missing in episode) last week, but she’s finally resurfaced. While Roman Reigns is bullying women and foreigners in the ring, like a true babyface, Paige sits down with a fully realised black hole, Mark Carrano.
Paige gets suspended because she failed a drug test. She explains that she passed the drug test, as far as drugs go, but she didn’t do it fast enough. Maybe her pro wrestling boyfriend has some pull backstage and can put in a good w...oh, I forgot. They broke up.
She’s a strong girl, though, so she says she’ll get over this and just do whatever WWE tells her to. This is a very levelheaded decision for such a young girl. She’s got a bright future, I think she’ll be fine.
Rusev hangs...around
FINALLY, we get to the Renee Young portion of this ‘sode, where she goes on vacation with my other favourites, Lana and Rusev. It’s not all fun and games, though. Lana gives Renee the option of staying upstairs in their rented house, or be subjected to Rusev’s flailing penis, as he likes to be naked all the time, and also while cooking steak.
Renee is then relegated to “photographer” for Rusev and Lana. Handsome, Naked Rusev isn’t even supposed to be there so Renee feels like, and is, the third wheel. Dean Ambrose isn’t there with her, so I’m assuming he’s passed out in a casino alley in Vegas.
Fortunately, Trinity (Naomi) is showing up at some point. When she does, everybody is so happy that they jump off rocks, Lana turns into the annoying little step brother, and Rusev puts on short pants. They go out to dinner and while Lana and Rusev eat a couple’s dinner, Trin and ReRe get wasted at the bar.
This does not go over well with Lana because she wants to hang out and get drunk with Trinity, but she invited her stupid sexy husband who hates fun. So now she’s mad at Renee, who is supposed to be there, for hanging out with Trinity at a nearby restaurant and why do I feel like the homeroom bell is about to ring?
Pregnancy mysteries
Brie and Nikki get stuck under a coffee table playing ball with Nikki’s dog, Winston. This is not as exciting as it sounds. Then Nikki, in possibly the crappiest move she’s ever pulled, orders dinner for her and Brie.
See, Nikki, being a doctor and all, has decided that Brie isn’t getting pregnant because she doesn’t have enough iron in her diet. Real Doctor said maybe that’s a thing, and if she wants to supplement her vegetarian diet with iron she would normally get from meat, she could try spinach. Because real doctors know it could be any number of things that are keeping Brie from getting knocked up.
Nikki hears the word “spinach” and decides to be the worst possible person about it by ordering a big pile of meat for herself, and the equivalent of the iron in her meat plate in spinach salad form, for Brie. Essentially saying that if Brie doesn’t listen to her she’ll never get pregnant. I wonder what Rosa Mendez, known not-doctor, has to say about all this?
It’s ten plates of spinach “salad.” Just spinach with a hint of tomato. Ten plates. Nikki has never been pregnant, not even once.
Even worse, turns out that Brie has been freezing herself like Walt Disney’s head and that’s probably what’s causing her reproductive system to shut down. She is told this by the guy who regularly freezes her.
Nikki does the whole “told ya so” thing, because ten plates of spinach means "Are you possibly freezing your ovaries? Maybe that's why you can't have babies?" in Bella-speak.
“Roses are red, violets are you need your eyes fixed”
Best part of the episode time! Maryse sends Miz a “sext” because that’s what adults do when they’re not together for more than 45 minutes. What she failed to notice, and what Miz had to point out because he has working vision, is that she sent it in a group text.
Probably to Renee and maybe to Dolph Ziggler. Definitely to Zack Ryder, which is hysterical to me. Miz wins the eye laser argument completely by accident because when your wife is better looking than you, that’s the only way you can win.
When Renee and Trinity get back to the house they’re sharing with Lana and Rusev, they wake Lana up from having too much fun, so Lana threatens to call the police on them. She also attacks Renee for being too needy, which is odd coming from someone who is treating every moment like it’s her honeymoon.
Trinity forcibly retires Lana back to bed because nobody messes with Trinity’s fun.
In the morning, Lana decides friends are stupid and Rusev is enough for her. Rusev loves Lana, but even he hates the idea of himself being his wife’s only friend, so he’s pushing for reconciliation, as fast as possible.
To wrap up the episode, Lana, Rusev, Renee, and Trinity do adorable charity work, and Lana apologises to Renee for being mean, realising that she just misses her friends now that they’re on separate shows. Except for this one, I guess.
Maryse finally caves and gets Lasik eye surgery so she doesn’t group sext anymore. Miz continues to smile because he won an argument for once. Brie and Nikki are probably off planning on how to hijack next week’s episode.
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