Previously on this show: Eva Marie was told to not do her job, as part of her job. Brie froze her ovaries.
Starting on the red carpet tonight? Cool. Let’s interview John Cena and The Bella Tw...whooops! Never mind, let’s start the episode in Bulgaria! We’re in Bulgaria because Lana and Rusev need a second wedding. You see, Lana got her wedding in Malibu, so this one is for Rusev and his family. She even says this right before pouting about his family’s traditions, and how she “doesn’t like them.” Rusev tells her to go marry a Greek guy which I guess is an insult, but it’s mostly just an inconvenience for Lana. She would have to get a divorce since she’s already married to Rusev, then she’d have to find a Greek guy, not to mention one that is totally down for spite-marriages; plan THAT wedding and HAVE that wedding...it’s a lot of work. Or she could just, you know, let Rusev’s family have their traditions and enjoy the free vacation to Eastern Europe.
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So she goes to a church for one of the traditions. This one seems cool since it involves pretending to spit and put a cigarette out with your foot. Also, there’s a dude with a Devilock in the background, and I wanna know that guy’s story. Forget Total Bellas; I want a spinoff called “Total That Devilock Guy.”
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The devil’s takin’ names.
The tradition turns out to be the gentlest waterboarding and Lana is super bummed out. Probably because Rusev has a smirk on his face the whole time like he just pulled a mediocre prank. The Devilock Guy (his name is Jody, which is amazing) is all “Just do it; it’s tradition!” from the nosebleed section because you should always listen to the guy with the satanic hair in a church who yells at women.
Thankfully, Nattie shows up with Trinity and Mr Trinity to help calm Lana down, but they are also immediately thrown into another tradition that no one, including Rusev, really understands. This leads to another fight, the night before the wedding, at dinner with friends, and now I hope they do get divorced.
Rusev: You hate Bulgaria and traditions and my family!Lana: You don’t respect me!Rusev: My best man is my friend, and he is in total control of our marriage!Lana: I’m leaving all the countries!Rusev: Me, too!
Nattie convinces Lana to yell “Surrender!” off of her balcony, and somehow that fixes everything. I wouldn't buy it unless Cheap Trick were there. Cheap Trick solves all problems.
Also read: 5 Things we learned from Total Divas ( Season 6, Episode 14)
How many Bellas does it take to waste half an episode?
Back to the Bellas, who are finding increasingly lame/genius excuses to get TV time. Like getting their picture taken together, or discussing other ways to get on TV. Apparently, there are other people that think Nikki isn’t getting enough exposure, so Dancing With The Stars calls her.
Yes, I make fun of The Bellas mercilessly, Nikki in particular, but now all I want is for her to go on Dancing With The Stars, so I have even more material. Dancing puns are my jam.
So you have to imagine my joy when she told John Cena she got Dancing With The Stars. John tells her that she can’t wrestle AND do DWTS. It’s physically impossible, especially if she gets hurt doing either. He’s absolutely right, but there’s still something maddening about hearing Cena tell someone they can’t do two things at once. That dude is constantly doing two things at once and has super healing serum for blood or something, so it doesn’t ring true when he says it.
Nikki tells her agent that she’s gonna pass on the dancing show in order to work on her not-yet-scheduled comeback. Brie is there not getting pregnant. So, to recap, Nikki said “no” to something, and half the episode was dedicated to her decision-making process. At this point, we all know it's "drink wine at happy hour," so this was a huge waste of time. Couldn't they round up a search party for Paige and Alicia Fox? Summer Rae can’t be too busy.
Proactive Eva
Eva Marie is at home (not much to do when your job is “don’t do anything”), and her dad is recovering from knee replacement surgery. Eva takes this opportunity to try and push a healthier diet on him. This makes sense because after not eating for weeks, the first thing he wants is McDonald's. I’m no health expert guy, but even I know that sounds backwards. He also has cancer, so I’m gonna tentatively side with Eva, even though she tossed her mum’s delicious looking lasagna leftovers.
So Eva and her Real Ed Hardy Doll husband go searching for clues to prove her dad is still smoking after having cancer for 15 years and 3 heart attacks. In any other circumstance, I’d blast Eva for barging into her parents home and changing their lifestyle, but she’s right. They find a cigarette butt, so I guess she's even more right. This is a weird episode.
She’s also on him about retiring, but she barely got him to look at a salad, so maybe one step at a time. Although nothing really screams "RETIRE, DUMMY!" like 3 heart attacks and cancer.
Everything worked out for Rusev and Lana, and their second marriage was a success. All it took was locking Lana in a room, making her hide a shoe, and then throwing money at her. Bulgarian traditions are weird.
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