Previously on this show: Renee, Dean, Miz and Maryse, weren’t in the last episode, so it doesn’t count.
Mercifully, we start the show with 2 of my top 5 The Miz and Maryse. Miz is being a gentleman and unknotting his wife’s necklace, while they talk about possibly going on a honeymoon. They both seem into the idea, in between Miz’s moans of agony from his inability to conquer the knot. You know how some people think the government is watching them through their TV? That’s how I felt watching this scene. Except here, the government is played by Mark Carrano.
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To save money, that’s the only reason that makes sense, Eva Marie and her Ed Hardy Factory Settings husband join them at Exuma, in the Bahamas, for a couple's honeymoon. My only fear is Miz and Eva’s dude will bond over something annoying. Miz is like the coolest dude right now, but he’s always one bad day away from reverting to Real World Miz.
A WWE Hall of Famer isn't a John Cena fan. More details HERE
The plan for the honeymoon, at least as far as Maryse is concerned, is to swim with wild pigs. So she just rocketed to the top of my favourites list. Unfortunately, Miz’s plan is fantasy football drafting and BBQing. Watch yourself, Mizzie McGuire.
Eva Marie reveals she’s scared of sharks “because of the movie Jaws.” I don’t buy it. That just sounds like what a millennial heard someone older than them say and used when they also didn’t want to put on a bathing suit. Even if she HAS seen Jaws, by the time she would have seen it there were much scarier shark movies out there. Like Deep Blue Sea, Ghost Shark, and Jaws 3-D.
Pigs on a beach blanket
At a beautiful dinner by the ocean, the boys talk about going spear fishing and grilling the fish. Maryse is concerned about when they’ll get to swim with pigs (as am I), and Eva is concerned about the amount of red in her hair, probably. Normally, I’d be on Maryse’s side about this except she made one fatal mistake: She invited another couple to go on their honeymoon with them. That immediately makes it a vacation and all romantic, sexy bets are off. Unless it involves Miz’s fantasy football. Just as long as someone swims with pigs, I'll be okay with it.
Maryse gets her pig time, thankfully, because they are adorable, but not before she throws another fit during the spearfishing part of the trip. She finally caves in and goes spearing with the boys and catches a lobster. This returns Maryse to normal because Miz and Red Hardy couldn’t catch diddly. She also hired a large woman to threaten the Miz into being romantic. Maryse wins this episode.
Dog agents and cat fights
I’m really getting fed up with the amount of time The Bellas are getting on Total Divas when they have a perfectly good show, with their name on it and everything, to drag down everyone around them with boringness. Today, we start with Nicole playing the same snapchat of her talking over and over in a car. For her sister who was sitting right there when she recorded it. In New York City. IN TIMES SQUARE. Look, if you need to look at pictures and videos of yourself on your phone while you’re rolling through one of the most visually stimulating towns in the world, in the glitter-soaked, urine-scented centre, with Spiderman battling the Frozen princesses...I guess maybe you do need more than one show to star in to let the world know you’re looking for an agent for your pet.
Which is what they’re in NYC for; to meet with a lady who specialises in building social media brands for the pets of the wealthy and insane. At least Nattie ruined their meeting by inviting herself and pitching 2pawz to the pet agent so hard I thought she was gonna turn into 2pawz. Also, I kind of hate the pet agent because that’s a made up job for the sole purposes of preying on dumb people and swindling them out of their dumb, rich money.
Stopping off in Pittsburg, Nattie visits Rosa and her fiance, Bobby. She hasn’t seen Rosa’s new baby, and Bobby designed the Tupaws shirt that Nattie pushes on everyone she works with. He’s stoked that the design sold 500 shirts, so he wants to make stuffed animals. Because one time he saw a stuffed animal, and possibly a blimp.
Quick question: Is 2pawz a play on “Tupac” or “2 Chainz?
Also read: 5 Reasons why Nikki Bella is the greatest female WWE Superstar of all time
The Rack Attack retraction
Dean and Renee FINALLY show up in this episode, and they go to dinner with Nattie. Nattie is showing off the newest of her seven (!!!) cats, but Renee wants to talk about her dog. See, Renee has ALSO spoken to Bobby, about getting shirts made for her dog, Blue.
Nattie is beside herself with rage because Renee is doing the same thing that she is and that she totally came up with it all by herself and in no way did the Bellas have anything to do with it. Wait, nevermind, it was originally their idea. Brie even points this out later in the episode. This makes Nattie look like a crazy lady, with or without cats. So Nattie apologises to Renee for being a hypocrite, by telling her that dogs are awful. I don’t get WWE Superstar culture, I guess.
Nikki has a dot com interview with hard-hitting questions like “How are you feeling?” This was time well spent.
Later, Nikki gets cleared for competition, but she needs to protect her neck, so now she has to contemplate a new finisher. The Rack Attack has to be shelved. Bayley points out that two girls have submission finishers right now. Nikki doesn’t understand what Bayley meant, so she picks both a power move AND a submission. Just like her boyfriend, John Cena. After trying out some submission moves that honestly look pretty cool, she has second thoughts because she doesn’t think a submission move will make her original enough. She is a twin.
The best part of the episode: R-Truth telling Nattie that cats kill babies, and it’s not an urban legend. R-Truth is my jam on Total Divas.
Also, I’m getting concerned about Paige’s whereabouts.
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