Previously On…
So Daniel Bryan, Brie Bella and Josie Bella move in with John Cena and Nikki Bella and Winston Bella-Cena to help Nikki recover from brain neck surgery. Brother JJ and Kathy The Mom are there as well, and since John “Johnny Ace” Laurinaitis is engaged to Kathy, he’s always around.
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He also lives close by or something. House Commander Cena laid out the ground rules for everyone and declared war on Josie, Brie wants sex, Bryan can’t wrap his head around the basic idea of shoes and JJ seems to be the only one that’s not aggressively boring (Johnny Ace) or completely insane (everyone else).
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What do we have in store for this week? Oh great, deeper levels of “quickie” conversations and how Nikki is the superior sexer. And a whole lot of calorie counting, so if you like math or even know OF math, you’ll be super into WEEK TWO.
At least Johnny Ace got an actual storyline in this episode.
Infinity Plus One
Johnny and Kathy are so in love that they can hardly stand it, and I’m just about over it, too. My favorite part about Johnny Ace is that he seems to mimic random movie characters.
One minute he’s Thornton Melon from Back To School and the next he’s Jimmy Two Times from Goodfellas. I like to imagine that’s the only way he communicates, like me with Simpsons quotes.
So Kathy spills the counting beans and tells her kids that her and Ace Gusher are going to elope. Johnny correctly points out that eloping literally means “don’t tell anyone we’re sneaking off to get married” and we see the first cracks of this surely doomed union.
Also, Nikki says “Dubbadubbadee Divuh” instead of “WWE Diva” and suddenly all the panning footage of wine makes a lot more sense.
JJ zings his mom by reminding everyone that maybe they should take a beat and think about rushing into marriage because this will be her 3rd. Smart guy, that JJ.
Pre-NOPE
Later, after much emoji discussion at the dinner table, the boys retreat to the Cigar Room. Johnny Ace asks the other fellas for advice on pre-nups. See, he wants one and has done online research and has a meeting with a lawyer coming up, and Three Marriage Kathy hasn’t been a fan of them in the past.
JJ mentions the fact that the first two husbands were at fault because they cheated on her, so I’m guessing she probably cleaned up in court, but that’s just mild speculation.
John likens a pre-nup to buying a handgun because the only thing John likes more than handguns is masturbation jokes. Also, Nikki’s Live In Cena’s House contract was SEVENTY FIVE PAGES LONG.
I bet his pre-nup looks like the Mission Earth series by L. Ron Hubbard. JJ thinks this is hysterical and at that exact moment my heart smiled for JJ, Bella Protector.
“It gives you a sense of security, it gives you a failsafe in case something happens, and those who buy a handgun for self defense pray, PRAY, they never have to shoot their spouses in the face.”
It’s not hard to see why “John Cena, Husband Material” is not a phrase you hear often. JJ thinks this a discussion that should be between Johnny and Kathy, and he’s right again!
Lessons From Cena
Brie wants to learn how to drive stick because she needs more boner joke fodder, so she enlists the help of sorta brother-in-law Cena to teach her. We learned earlier that she is not a fan of Bryan’s driving after he successfully drove when she wasn’t driving.
Keep in mind the car they were in was decidedly not a stick shift, so I’m not sure what’s going on at this point. Does Brie just think everything retro is cool? And that stick shifts are gonna make a comeback? And are retro? When I’m president of TV I’m gonna cast Brie on to the millennial tribe of Survivor. Someone has to be the first voted off.
So Brie sucks at driving stick. Heavens to Betsy, she got “forward” and “backward” confused right off the bat and then proceeded to mangle the transmission of John’s Jeep for what I hope was no more than a 50-foot loop.
It was rough, but Cena is such a good teacher that everyone seems to have forgotten his bloodlust for Josie. Speaking of Josie, she’s suspiciously absent from this episode, save about 5 seconds at the top of the show. She’s either learned to keep her head down and ride this out, or our worst fears have already come true.
John is such a good teacher that she learned nothing but he’s still the best at teaching. I’m worried Brie is getting caught up in the same mind control powers that Nikki is already fully immersed in. Bryan is none too pleased with his wife going to others for help so he inadvertently casts himself in Swim Fan 2.
After a rousing game of Who’s The Boss? (Spoiler: It’s Sasha Banks), Bryan, a man who has driven stick his whole life, learns that Brie prefers lessons from John because he played a guy that drove stick in a movie once.
In a rare childish move, Bryan asks Lexie, JJ’s sister-in-law, if she was ever on a swim team and if she has bigger boobs than Brie. The answer to both is “yes” so he’s gonna go with her as his swimming teacher and now Brie is upset.
The “swimming lesson” portion of this episode is filled with side eyes from Brie, boobs from Lexie, and splash-shaming from Bryan and JJ. Brie makes everyone uncomfortable, especially Lexie, because she’s not getting sexed up enough. Sure hope we don’t have to hear more about the Bellas’ sex lives tonight…
The Quickie And The (possibly) Dead
Nikki spent most of the first episode and this episode convincing Brie to have a quickie with Bryan. After the heist is pulled off, Brie admits she’s not that into quickies and likes the comfort of her rock lamp there to set the mood.
Nikki ALSO doesn’t like Brie having quickies either, now, mainly because she suddenly doesn’t want to hear about her sister’s sex stuff and how they didn’t shower after. Come on, Nikki, you did this to yourself. Buck up and listen to your sister tell tales of Kama Sutra’s Cliff Notes.
Don’t bring it up if you physically can’t run away from the conversation is the true lesson here.
Since this is the first time Bryan has had sex in a month, he celebrates by crawling around like a crab, looking for his missing shoes. John says he doesn’t wanna hear about their sex life so Nikki tells him anyway because I guess she DOES want to talk about her sister’s sex stuff and nobody listens to anyone in this house.
Like a damn gentleman, Cena tells Bryan that since his most recent boner joke was very good, he won’t make him look stupid and try to top it. Nice guy, that Cena. For now. We’ll see, there was a Josie sighting in the third act, but Bryan and Brie could conceivably be Weekend At Bernie-ing her.
My suspicions were strengthened by the two of them wearing “Dog Dad” and “Dog Mom” t-shirts. Seems like a cry for help to the producers. This could get bad. Like, Voodoo black magic bad.
John reverts back to crazy and gets mad that Nikki lied about her caloric intake so now all marriages are CANCELLED. This is quickly resolved when Nikki declares that she loves food AND attention from “her man” so John thinks that’s fair. Phew, that was a close, I just hope Kathy and Johnny can find a way to make THEIR marriage work, now that it’s officially back on.
Around this time Brie is preparing for her upcoming retirement match and she’s training with LANA! I guess Lana is practicing for an upcoming movie role because she spoke with an American accent the whole time and I could barely recognize her but I’m pretty sure it was Lana. What happens next will blow your mind…
Big Dark Cloud Of...Darkness
...Brie tells on Johnny for asking the boys for pre-nup advice. Seriously, can any of the Bellas keep a secret? I mean besides golden boy JJ?
Kathy says it’s not the pre-nup that bothers her, it’s the talking to other people about it. Yo, Kathy, this is revenge for letting the cat out of the bag about the eloping thing earlier. Karma is fast and painful in Florida, and also probably what Brie thinks the sequel to the Kama Sutra is called.
Kathy calls Nikki on speaker phone and when she says she’s mad at Johnny everyone hears it because Nikki’s phone is also on speaker. So Cena, and I have to give him credit here, does an amazing job at faking a bad reception so he and Nikki can go double up on calories or something.
He ends the call with “We.........I………grbl…..most important thing.” /end call. Really excellent work.
Kathy and Brie return from Orlando and my favorite part of the episode happens:
Kathy: I had a good time at the Performance Center, I didn’t have such a good time on the car ride.
Johnny Ace: Why not? Bumpy?
Johnny, you know full well you’re in for some serious cloud darkening, but I love your lazy moxey. But he points out that he went to “part of his family” for advice.
Everyone agrees and now they love each other again. Which is perfect because they both love flip-flops. Oh, and they’re gonna get married on a yacht. In three weeks. I’m not sure I can wait that long to see Cena push Bryan overboard. I hope that episode has Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn cameos. When I’m finally President of TV...
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