WWF RAW Is WAR Review: March 10th, 1997

"Wrestling Mania"

Rocky Maivia battles a jobber...

MATCH #1: ROCKY MAIVIA vs. TONY ROY

This whole circus lasted for about two minutes.

At the very beginning, The Iron Shiek, Bob Backlund & The Sultan showed up on the ramp. The Iron Sheik had a message for WWF Intercontinental Champion Rocky Maivia, & it sounded like this- "In the wrestling mania, my man Sultan gonna show you who is da' real champion!"

Sheik went back to uttering indecipherable words as it was Bob Backlund's turn to say- "Stand up when I'm talking to you young man!" whilst Rocky Maivia was standing in the ring all along.

Before you know it, Rocky is perched on the top-rope. He goes for a cross-body that covers about 3/4ths of the wrestling ring. Rocky wins the match by pinning 'Mr. Jobber' Tony Roy under 2 minutes.

Result: Rocky Maivia wins the match.

After the match, Backlund, Sheik & Sultan try to attack Rocky Maivia. The Rookie Sensation somehow manages to fend off all three of them at the same time, or maybe his intimidating "Chia Pet" hair did it for him.

Hey, it's Tony Atlas!

Rocky finds his dad's former tag-team partner, Tony Atlas sitting in a very uncomfortable aisle of seats near the steel ramp. Both of them head backstage together as if to further stress the point that "Rocky Maivia comes from a legendary family of wrestlers & he does not cheat & he has a great future ahead of him, so please cheer for him, ladies & gentlemen".

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MATCH #2: PIERROTH, HEAVY METAL, & PENTAGON vs. LATIN LOVER, HECTOR GARZA, & OCTAGON

Twin brothers from different mothers...

The last time we had wrestlers from the AAA doing fancy moves in a six-man tag team affair that nobody cared about was at the 1997 Royal Rumble Pay-Per-View.

Except this time around, the commentators talk about Jerry Lawler & Paul E. Dangerously's upcoming 'Great Debate', the cameraman spots a BIONIC woman in the crowd who has to be escorted out of the arena immediately & we get a split-screen view of Brian Pillman revealing that he would be coming back to the WWF on Shotgun Saturday Night.

Yes, if you're wondering- All of this happens in ONE SINGLE MATCH.

So let us start off with Jerry Lawler's well-known dislike for Mexican wrestlers-

Lawler: "There must be a lot of ugly people in Mexico, McMahon..."

McMahon: "Why's that?"

Lawler: "Well, almost all of them wear masks!"

Next, McMahon sells the Great Debate between Lawler & Paul E later on during this bout, to which Lawler replies- "Look at Paul E, he needs to wear a mask. He looks like a bloated toad frog..."

But then one of my absolute favorite moments of the entire night occurs when JR & McMahon start to compare Paul E & Jerry Lawler's upcoming debate against other 'actual' historically significant debates between Abraham Lincoln & Stephen Douglas back in 1858.

"Child's play compared to what I'm about to do to him," replies Jerry Lawler.

As for the match itself, there are just so many instances where it is impossible to hold your laughter back. Like there comes a point where Pentagon (kayfabe ancestor of Pentagon Jr.) & Octagon are tagged into the match at the same time. The funny thing is that both of them dress 90% alike & perform the same exact moves. This makes Lawler go- "These guys look like twin brothers from different mothers!"

It's that BIONIC Woman!

The camera pans to the audience mid-way through this bout, where we see security ordering Chyna to leave the arena. To be clear, WWF has not acknowledged her as "Chyna" yet, so Vince McMahon just goes- "Get that woman outta there...Get that woman outta there! That's a BIONIC woman!"

The security manhandles her to the exit, & I cannot help but notice the sarcasm in Vince's tone as he states- "That lady is gonna be history. She won't interfere anymore!"

The audience is not even interested in this AAA affair even if Latin Lover (one half of the Sexy Boys) executes an impressive powerbomb.

Brian Pillman is back!

But our night of constant interruptions continues as the view turns split-screen & Brian Pillman reveals that he will be returning to the WWF on Shotgun Saturday Night. Remember, the last surreal moment when we saw Pillman was back in 1996 when he pointed a gun at Stone Cold Steve Austin and announced his intention to "kill that son of a b*tch!"

As for the climax of the match- Latin Lover misses the frog splash by a mile & Heavy Metal pins him for the win. Vince McMahon throughout this whole match was like- "So quick, all superstars from AAA! Very, very quick. They are quick as cats. What a buncha' matadores ladies & gentlemen!"

They said RAW was going to be WAR. This match was a war between constant interruptions that were pretty entertaining to watch. It is still better than watching 8 minutes of lucha-libre action without any context from start to finish...

Result: Heavy Metal, Pierroth & Pentagon win the match.