MLB Playoffs: A non-fan guide to picking a side

Dodgers

The Major League Baseball Playoffs are under way. Maybe you can’t sleep, maybe you like to stay up late, maybe you just live a time zone where watching the games is entirely reasonable. Whatever the reason that you could find yourself in front of it, it’s a huge and exciting sporting event that you could be under-appreciating.

The best way to find out? Pick a side. Become irrationally emotionally invested in their success or failure. It’s the only sure-fire way to get hooked fast. And, unlike the 162-game regular season, it’ll all be over by the end of the month, so act now!

However, I suspect most people on this site won’t have a team to follow or any way to choose. That’s why I bring you my patented who to root for system*, which will provide you with the answers you require, in a straightforward, scientific manner**.

Each team will be rated on general likeability, colours/names/silly animals and chances to win it all; after all, why invest your time in a team that’s not going to make it to the second round? Two teams have already been eliminated from contention after one game. That’s why I didn’t include them.

*Not really patented

**Not really either of those things, either.

National League

Atlanta Braves:

General Likeability – The Braves have a number of players who are at least one of: (a) very, very fast (b) able to hit baseballs very, very hard (c) able to throw baseballs very, very hard. Fun to watch. 7/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals – Better without the ‘Screaming Indian’, right? I’ll admit that people definitely count as silly animals, but I can’t think of any other race you could get away with using as a mascot. 3/10

Chances to Win It All –They have several very exciting players, but I’m not sure they have the all around talent to get it done. Especially the starting pitching. 6/10

Los Angeles Dodgers:

General Likeability – The Dodgers are the highest paid team in baseball. They have a number of star players, many of whom were high-priced Free Agents, or players traded for by taking on over-inflated salaries. Hmm. 2/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals – The Dodgers originated in Brooklyn, where their nickname was short for Trolley Dodgers. They wear blue and have no animals. 3/10

Chances to Win It All – As I said before, the Dodgers have many high-priced players. Many of them are paid so much because they’re very good at baseball. 8/10.

St. Louis Cardinals:

General Likeability – The Cardinals won the World Series two years ago. Last year they made it to the NLCS (essentially the semi-finals). Been there. Done that. But they have recently lost a number of big names to age, injury and free agency, and just keep on coming. Something to be admired at least. 5/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals – The Cardinal is the name of a silly animal and also the primary colour of the Cardinals (and of the animal). Neatly done. 8/10

Chances to Win It All - The Cardinals won the World Series two years ago. Last year they made it to the NLCS (essentially the semi-finals). This seems exactly as relevant as it did above. 7/10

Pittsburgh Pirates:

General Likeability – The Pirates haven’t been to the playoffs for 20 years. More than that, they haven’t even had a .500 season (won as many games as they lost) in just as long. The last two years they started off bright, but still fell below .500 due to monumental collapses. These guys are adorable. 9/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals – It’s an ok nickname, I guess, but that depends on how you feel about alliteration in team name. I tend to lean away. They wear a lot of black. Are they trying to intimidate you? Seems unlikely with the 20 years of losing. Hard to argue with black and gold, actually. 7/10

Chances to Win It All –20 years of losing seems like a bad build-up, to be sure, but they did well in a very tough division this year and already won the one game playoff to get this far. The cause is not hopeless. 5/10

Red Sox

American League

Boston Red Sox:

General Likeability – You’ve probably heard of the Boston Red Sox. This probably seems like a positive. It’s not. It’s a trap! It’s overexposure. You know that one team that the presenters won’t stop talking about, even though your team is playing too? It’s the New York Yankees. But these guys are nearly as bad. 3/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals – Credit for getting the colour out there right away. But Socks are not animals or interesting things. Nor are they spelled Sox. 2/10

Chances to Win It All –Coming through probably the most talented division in baseball, the Red Sox ended the year tied with the Cardinals for the best record at 97-65. Regrettable. 9/10

Oakland Athletics:

General Likeability – You may have also heard of the Oakland Athletics. Probably because you saw the recent film Moneyball, in which the lowly and cash-strapped Athletics set out to win an unfair game. Despite the Hollywood success, the Athletics are still poor, and a loveable underdog tag is still applicable despite the 96 wins this year. 8/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals – Green and Yellow. Hmm. It’s bright at least. They’re clearly trying. If only the same could be said about the name. 5/10

Chances to Win It All –The A’s weren’t supposed to make the playoffs last year. Or even get that close. But they did, and they even pushed the eventual AL champion Tigers pretty far. They’re a much better team this year. Don’t count them out. 7/10

Detroit Tigers:

General Likeability – If voting goes as expected, the Tigers may end up with the AL Most Valuable Player for the third year in a row. Their players have won these awards by striking out a lot of hitters and hitting huge numbers of home runs. They do have an unfortunately high payroll. 7/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals –Finally! Tigers are awesome. They’re rare and dangerous, and probably not very good at baseball. Ideal. Plus they’re orange and stripy, which is…Oh. The Tigers play in blue? Okay. 7/10

Chances to Win It All –The Tigers made it all the way to the World Series last year and could easily have the firepower to get there again. They started slow this year, but came on strong of late. 7/10

Tampa Bay Rays:

General Likeability – The Rays make the A’s look filthy rich, but with some excellent management over the last few years, they’ve risen to be consistent contenders, even while playing in the same division as powerhouses like the Yankees and Red Sox. Great scouting and development has brought in tons of exiting young talent. Just don’t get too attached; they’ll all be traded before they get expensive. 7/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals –Originally the Devil Rays, which are kind of funny looking, so points to them there. Based at Tropicana Field, The Rays are yet another team that plays in blue when it could be much more colourful. 6/10

Chances to Win It All –Never underestimate the Rays. They always seem to have the young pitching to keep them in games, and just enough offence to win them. 6/10

Totals

Atlanta 16

Los Angeles 13

St. Louis 20

Pittsburgh 21

Boston 14

Oakland 20

Detroit 21

Tampa Bay 19

So there you have it. Root for the Pirates or the Tigers. Unless you want to win. Then probably ignore this whole thing and go for the Dodgers and Red Sox. You’ve just wasted both of our time. I hope you’re happy.