MLB Playoffs: A non-fan guide to picking a side

Red Sox

American League

Boston Red Sox:

General Likeability – You’ve probably heard of the Boston Red Sox. This probably seems like a positive. It’s not. It’s a trap! It’s overexposure. You know that one team that the presenters won’t stop talking about, even though your team is playing too? It’s the New York Yankees. But these guys are nearly as bad. 3/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals – Credit for getting the colour out there right away. But Socks are not animals or interesting things. Nor are they spelled Sox. 2/10

Chances to Win It All –Coming through probably the most talented division in baseball, the Red Sox ended the year tied with the Cardinals for the best record at 97-65. Regrettable. 9/10

Oakland Athletics:

General Likeability – You may have also heard of the Oakland Athletics. Probably because you saw the recent film Moneyball, in which the lowly and cash-strapped Athletics set out to win an unfair game. Despite the Hollywood success, the Athletics are still poor, and a loveable underdog tag is still applicable despite the 96 wins this year. 8/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals – Green and Yellow. Hmm. It’s bright at least. They’re clearly trying. If only the same could be said about the name. 5/10

Chances to Win It All –The A’s weren’t supposed to make the playoffs last year. Or even get that close. But they did, and they even pushed the eventual AL champion Tigers pretty far. They’re a much better team this year. Don’t count them out. 7/10

Detroit Tigers:

General Likeability – If voting goes as expected, the Tigers may end up with the AL Most Valuable Player for the third year in a row. Their players have won these awards by striking out a lot of hitters and hitting huge numbers of home runs. They do have an unfortunately high payroll. 7/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals –Finally! Tigers are awesome. They’re rare and dangerous, and probably not very good at baseball. Ideal. Plus they’re orange and stripy, which is…Oh. The Tigers play in blue? Okay. 7/10

Chances to Win It All –The Tigers made it all the way to the World Series last year and could easily have the firepower to get there again. They started slow this year, but came on strong of late. 7/10

Tampa Bay Rays:

General Likeability – The Rays make the A’s look filthy rich, but with some excellent management over the last few years, they’ve risen to be consistent contenders, even while playing in the same division as powerhouses like the Yankees and Red Sox. Great scouting and development has brought in tons of exiting young talent. Just don’t get too attached; they’ll all be traded before they get expensive. 7/10

Colours/Names/Silly Animals –Originally the Devil Rays, which are kind of funny looking, so points to them there. Based at Tropicana Field, The Rays are yet another team that plays in blue when it could be much more colourful. 6/10

Chances to Win It All –Never underestimate the Rays. They always seem to have the young pitching to keep them in games, and just enough offence to win them. 6/10

Totals

Atlanta 16

Los Angeles 13

St. Louis 20

Pittsburgh 21

Boston 14

Oakland 20

Detroit 21

Tampa Bay 19

So there you have it. Root for the Pirates or the Tigers. Unless you want to win. Then probably ignore this whole thing and go for the Dodgers and Red Sox. You’ve just wasted both of our time. I hope you’re happy.